MERRY CHRISTMAS

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Happy endings

Anyone who knows me or has followed this blog would know that this year has been quite a dreadful one. But I'm happy to say that I am know feeling quite good. I have been back at work now for almost a month & I'm actually enjoying it. For once in a long time I feel I can make plans for the future......I feel I actually have a future. It feels good. I've come to life.

BUTTERFLIES

I almost wish we were butterflies and liv'd but three summer days - three such days with you I could fill with more delight than fifty common years could ever contain.

- John Keats -

Is that okay?

I saw the psychiatrist today, and it was aptly noted that I had slid "backwards" so to speak, perhaps "downwards" is a more appropriate descriptor, since our last meeting. Late last week I had an attack of dread in the early hours of the morning & all my confidence, my sense of worth, was shaken to the core. The doctor believes it is due to starting work again & if I'm honest with myself I'd have to agree with him. Today the psychiatrist asked me what I dislike most about nursing - & I responded with the usual grievances of regimentation & a general lack of caring by other health care workers, but he didn't quite believe me.....& then I started to sob (yet again) & I said "maybe it's all the death.....the decay". And it was out there - that word "DECAY" - the moment it was out I knew I shouldn't have said it, it opened up a plethora of psychological insights. And so the doctor & I had yet another discussion about my existential dilemma - he must get so tired of listening to me. So my SNRI has been increased yet again & I now have to consider a life without nursing. I have to give this new job a fair go first though, but if I can't do it - I can't do it.

Besides the nursing, I've also been feeling somewhat dejected due to......wait for it......Facebook. I knew on the outset that I should not have even signed up & now I wish I hadn't. Facebook is completely and utterly impersonable; the chat function being the only facet that has any merit. The only problem is it's addictive, I did make contact with a dear old friend & we were chatting on a regular basis then one day she just stopped. Now I spend an hour or two each night waiting for her to come on line....stupid I know. Then there was another friend who I began to confide in & then they said they "had to go" & dropped out suddenly - if these conversations were conducted in person or over the phone there is no way these things would happen. Yes, I know I'm being too sensitive & perhaps even a little selfish too but I'm just expressing how I feel....is that okay?

ODE: Imitations of Immortality

There was a time when meadow, grove, and stream,

The earth, and every common sight

To me did seem

Apparelled in cellestial light,

The glory and the freshness of a dream.

It is not now as it hath been of yore;-

Turn whersoe'er I may,

By night or day,

The things which I have seen I now can see no more.

- Wordsworth

BACK TO WORK

After all the misunderstanding I was successful with the job interview and I start work next Wednesday. My mood has been pretty good for some time now and my only battle is with the tiredness that I get as a side effect of the medication. I will be working 3 days a week - one early & two lates, Saturdays; Sundays & Mondays. It's a lovely new facility and the staff seem happy and pleasant enough. I'm looking forward it all, it will be a challenge to be in a leadership role again.

THE HIGHWAY MAN

THE wind was a torrent of darkness among the gusty trees,

The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas,

The road was a ribbon of moonlight over the purple moor,

And the highwayman came riding—

Riding—riding—

The highwayman came riding, up to the old inn door

-Alfred Noyes-

ON THE UP SIDE

Today was a great deal better, at first I lay in bed wanting to cover myself in darkness but the noonday sun just wouldn't allow it. So I got up, and went for a walk. Chapel street was abuzz with activity - people getting in early with their Christmas shopping. For all the side effects that come with my medications at least now I don't spiral down uncontrollably but rather I slip down and am then able to climb my way back up again. And I'm able to do this with little effort, without becoming fatigued.

MELANCHOLIA

I've been pretty down today - the worst day I've had for quite awhile. You start to think the depression is no longer there, that maybe you can cut down on some of these meds you're taking....but Alas! you have a day like today. A day where you wish with all your might that you could just disappear. I had a job interview on Tuesday, it was a casual encounter over coffee and at its close I was assured that I would be contacted that afternoon - three days later I still haven't heard from them. I rang up today to talk to the lady in question & she was away - til next Wednesday! I was informed that she would be contacted and that she would ring me back this afternoon but again no call came. Yesterday the negative thoughts started to creep in - that no one wants to employ me etc etc, despite the actuality of me being way overqualified for the position. And then the anger - of people not keeping to their word and of being sloppy and disorganised. I know they seemed awfully busy and as an employment agency had a lot of other job seekers to deal with but I can't stop myself from thinking negative thoughts. I go through the motions of CBT but still it's THERE! At least it's reactionary, and the lows are nowhere near as bad as they used to be. Let's hope it passes soon - that's one thing you can always rely on, that everything passes with time.....everything including me.

FRIDAY 13th: A Witches Incantation

"Double, double toil and trouble;

Fire burn, and caldron bubble."

MY SHELL

I want to dedicate the following passage from Emily Bronte's "Wuthering Heights" to a dear & treasured friend of mine. My sincerest hope is that one day you will allow yourself to be loved....this world is too dark & lonely a place to walk through it alone.

While enjoying a month of fine weather at the sea - coast, I was thrown into the company of a most fascinating creature, a real goddess, in my eyes, as long as she took no notice of me. I never "told my love" vocally; still if looks have a language, the merest idiot might have guessed I was head over ears: she understood me, at last, and looked a return - the sweetest of all imaginable looks - and what did I do? I confess it with shame - shrunk icily into myself, like a snail, at every glance retired colder and farther; till; finally, the poor innocent was led to doubt her own senses, and, overwhelmed with confusion at her supposed mistake, persuaded her mamma to decamp.

By this curious turn of disposition I have gained the reputation of deliberate heartlessness, how undeserved, I alone can appreciate.

WILD THINGS

ROCK ISLAND BEND - Peter Dombrovskis

"In Wildness Is the
Preservation of the World"

-Thoreau-

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Would you dance with the Devil in the pale moonlight?

Would you offer you throat to the wolf with the red roses?

THE TREE OF FORGIVENESS

Riddled with remorse I reach out.

Naked, I plead for forgiveness.

I turn to run & hide, ashamed -

afraid that I have been rejected....once again.

But you grab hold, & won't let go

don't let me go

....don't let me go

ETERNAL

"called back"

- epitaph of Emily Dickinson-

REMEMBRANCE

Cold in the earth - and the deep snow piled above thee,

Far, far, removed, cold in the dreary grave!

Have I forgot, my only Love, to love thee,

Severed at last by Time's all severing wave?

Now, when alone, do my thoughts no longer hover

Over the mountains, on that northern shore,

Resting their wings where heath and fern-leaves cover

Thy noble heart for ever, ever more?

Cold in the earth - and fifiteen wild Decembers,

From those brown hills, have melted into spring:

Faithful, indeed, is the spirit that remembers

After such years of change and suffering!

Sweet love of youth, forgive, if I forget thee,

While the world's tide is bearing me along;

Other desires and other hopes beset me,

Hopes which obscure, but cannot do thee wrong!

No later light has lightened up my heaven,

No second morn has ever shone for me;

All my life's bliss from thy dear life was given,

All my life's bliss is in the grave with thee.

But, when the days of golden dreams had perished,

And even Despair was powerless to destroy;

Then did I learn how existence could be cherished,

Strengthened, and fed without the aid of joy.

Then did I check the tears of useless passion-

Weaned my young soul from yearning after thine;

Sternly denied its burning wish to hasten

Down to that tomb already more than mine.

And, even yet, I dare not let it languish,

Dare not indulge in memory's rapturous pain;

Once drinking deep of that divinest anguish,

How could I seek the empty world again?

- Emily Bronte

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO EEYORE

"Good morning, Pooh Bear," said Eeyore gloomily. "If it is a good morning," he said. "Which I doubt," said he.

"Why, what's the matter?"

"Nothing, Pooh Bear, nothing. We can't all, and some of us don't. That's all there is to it."

"Can't all what?" said Pooh, rubbing his nose.

"Gaiety. Song-and-dance. Here we go round the mulberry bush."

- A.A. MILNE-

---

SPRING

SPRING has finally arrived in Melbourne ..........better late than never. It was wonderful to feel the sun on my face as I walked to the market this morning, it does my mood the world of good too.

Spring has returned. The Earth is like a child that knows poems."

~Rainer Maria Rilke

POOH, PIGLET & THE SWINE FLU

Don't you just love this!

10TH OCTOBER - "WORLD MENTAL HEALTH DAY"

World Mental Health Day on 10 October raises public awareness about mental health issues. The Day promotes more open discussion of illnesses, and investments in prevention and treatment services.