blossoms in winter

DAVID GILMOUR O6.03.1946 -

2010-03-06T16:19:00.005+11:00

HAPPY 64th BIRTHDAY TO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL OF THE GODS OF ROCK - Shine on you crazy diamond!

KEEPING IT REAL

2010-02-23T16:21:00.003+11:00

I cannot stand liars, especially people who are fully aware of what they are doing. It must get to a point where they are ultimately living a lie - you lie enough about the little things it soon accumulates. I know a few people like this & I struggle to maintain freindships with them. I mean it's practically dellusional - and I'm supposed to be the one with mental health problems. It must be exhausting keeping track of all the fabrications, wouldn't it be nice to just tell the truth for a change never minding what others think?

Winston

2010-02-13T00:35:00.000+11:00

"I don't like standing near the edge of a platform when an express train is passing through. I like to stand right back and if possible get a pillar between me and the train. I don't like to stand by the side of a ship and look down into the water. A second's action would end everything. A few drops of desperation." - Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

I understand perfectly Winston.

DID YOU FORGET TO TAKE YOUR MEDS?

2010-02-10T18:03:00.010+11:00

I haven't been too well lately, blood results have shown that my Thyroid function is terribly low yet again which can explain why I've been feeling so tired with aches & pains over the last 2+ weeks. My mood hasn't been the best either - with little to no motivation most days. Nights have been a battle to get to sleep including one episode of halluciantions, something I haven't experienced for over a year. So what to do? - more medication! I am now on Duloxetine (SNRI) 120mg, Lithium (mood stabiliser) 500mg twice a day, & Olanzipine (antipsychotic) 5mg at night - & of course the 100mcg of Throxine for the thyroid problem. My psychiatrist is looking at changing the Olanzipine to Seroquel, something I'm all for as it apparently has less side effects.

I'm putting the call out to others who are being treated for Bipolar - do you have to take so much medication? Sometimes I feel like taking these meds is the equivallent of a frontal lobotomy, but then again what is the alternative?

TIDINGS

2010-01-06T23:09:00.007+11:00

Well my Christmas was a very quiet affair, I had to work Boxing day so I couldn't indulge too much in the frivolity. Working at an aged care home it was sad to see how many of the old souls "hated" Christmas, how it can be such a lonely & sad time for them. Out of a total of 40 residents only 2 went "home" for Christmas - cause lets face it, no matter how hard you try, a nursing home is never really a "home".

Christmas is also a time when all the relatives come out of the woodwork to visit - bearing gifts. What will they bring this year I wonder? .....yet another tube of hand cream perhaps? or maybe a new pair of slippers? No, Nana hasn't got dementia, it's just been so long since she's seen you that she's forgotten your name! Oh how ashamed I am to be part of a culture that relegates their elderly to institutions. These people deserve to be taken proper care of at home, not cloistered together & banished away behind closed doors. I just hope I can take care of my parents one day, the way they took care of me for so many years - it'll be a privilege.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

2009-12-24T19:28:00.002+11:00

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Happy endings

2009-12-24T19:21:00.003+11:00

Anyone who knows me or has followed this blog would know that this year has been quite a dreadful one. But I'm happy to say that I am know feeling quite good. I have been back at work now for almost a month & I'm actually enjoying it. For once in a long time I feel I can make plans for the future......I feel I actually have a future. It feels good. I've come to life.

BUTTERFLIES

2009-12-02T13:49:00.003+11:00

I almost wish we were butterflies and liv'd but three summer days - three such days with you I could fill with more delight than fifty common years could ever contain.

- John Keats -

Is that okay?

2009-12-01T17:11:00.010+11:00

I saw the psychiatrist today, and it was aptly noted that I had slid "backwards" so to speak, perhaps "downwards" is a more appropriate descriptor, since our last meeting. Late last week I had an attack of dread in the early hours of the morning & all my confidence, my sense of worth, was shaken to the core. The doctor believes it is due to starting work again & if I'm honest with myself I'd have to agree with him. Today the psychiatrist asked me what I dislike most about nursing - & I responded with the usual grievances of regimentation & a general lack of caring by other health care workers, but he didn't quite believe me.....& then I started to sob (yet again) & I said "maybe it's all the death.....the decay". And it was out there - that word "DECAY" - the moment it was out I knew I shouldn't have said it, it opened up a plethora of psychological insights. And so the doctor & I had yet another discussion about my existential dilemma - he must get so tired of listening to me. So my SNRI has been increased yet again & I now have to consider a life without nursing. I have to give this new job a fair go first though, but if I can't do it - I can't do it.

Besides the nursing, I've also been feeling somewhat dejected due to......wait for it......Facebook. I knew on the outset that I should not have even signed up & now I wish I hadn't. Facebook is completely and utterly impersonable; the chat function being the only facet that has any merit. The only problem is it's addictive, I did make contact with a dear old friend & we were chatting on a regular basis then one day she just stopped. Now I spend an hour or two each night waiting for her to come on line....stupid I know. Then there was another friend who I began to confide in & then they said they "had to go" & dropped out suddenly - if these conversations were conducted in person or over the phone there is no way these things would happen. Yes, I know I'm being too sensitive & perhaps even a little selfish too but I'm just expressing how I feel....is that okay?

ODE: Imitations of Immortality

2009-11-28T18:47:00.008+11:00

There was a time when meadow, grove, and stream,

The earth, and every common sight

To me did seem

Apparelled in cellestial light,

The glory and the freshness of a dream.

It is not now as it hath been of yore;-

Turn whersoe'er I may,

By night or day,

The things which I have seen I now can see no more.

- Wordsworth

BACK TO WORK

2009-11-20T15:48:00.009+11:00

After all the misunderstanding I was successful with the job interview and I start work next Wednesday. My mood has been pretty good for some time now and my only battle is with the tiredness that I get as a side effect of the medication. I will be working 3 days a week - one early & two lates, Saturdays; Sundays & Mondays. It's a lovely new facility and the staff seem happy and pleasant enough. I'm looking forward it all, it will be a challenge to be in a leadership role again.

THE HIGHWAY MAN

2009-11-16T18:52:00.002+11:00

THE wind was a torrent of darkness among the gusty trees,

The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas,

The road was a ribbon of moonlight over the purple moor,

And the highwayman came riding—

Riding—riding—

The highwayman came riding, up to the old inn door

-Alfred Noyes-

ON THE UP SIDE

2009-11-14T19:41:00.004+11:00

Today was a great deal better, at first I lay in bed wanting to cover myself in darkness but the noonday sun just wouldn't allow it. So I got up, and went for a walk. Chapel street was abuzz with activity - people getting in early with their Christmas shopping. For all the side effects that come with my medications at least now I don't spiral down uncontrollably but rather I slip down and am then able to climb my way back up again. And I'm able to do this with little effort, without becoming fatigued.

MELANCHOLIA

2009-11-13T17:51:00.012+11:00

I've been pretty down today - the worst day I've had for quite awhile. You start to think the depression is no longer there, that maybe you can cut down on some of these meds you're taking....but Alas! you have a day like today. A day where you wish with all your might that you could just disappear. I had a job interview on Tuesday, it was a casual encounter over coffee and at its close I was assured that I would be contacted that afternoon - three days later I still haven't heard from them. I rang up today to talk to the lady in question & she was away - til next Wednesday! I was informed that she would be contacted and that she would ring me back this afternoon but again no call came. Yesterday the negative thoughts started to creep in - that no one wants to employ me etc etc, despite the actuality of me being way overqualified for the position. And then the anger - of people not keeping to their word and of being sloppy and disorganised. I know they seemed awfully busy and as an employment agency had a lot of other job seekers to deal with but I can't stop myself from thinking negative thoughts. I go through the motions of CBT but still it's THERE! At least it's reactionary, and the lows are nowhere near as bad as they used to be. Let's hope it passes soon - that's one thing you can always rely on, that everything passes with time.....everything including me.

FRIDAY 13th: A Witches Incantation

2009-11-13T15:32:00.003+11:00

"Double, double toil and trouble;

Fire burn, and caldron bubble."

MY SHELL

2009-11-07T23:41:00.005+11:00

I want to dedicate the following passage from Emily Bronte's "Wuthering Heights" to a dear & treasured friend of mine. My sincerest hope is that one day you will allow yourself to be loved....this world is too dark & lonely a place to walk through it alone.

While enjoying a month of fine weather at the sea - coast, I was thrown into the company of a most fascinating creature, a real goddess, in my eyes, as long as she took no notice of me. I never "told my love" vocally; still if looks have a language, the merest idiot might have guessed I was head over ears: she understood me, at last, and looked a return - the sweetest of all imaginable looks - and what did I do? I confess it with shame - shrunk icily into myself, like a snail, at every glance retired colder and farther; till; finally, the poor innocent was led to doubt her own senses, and, overwhelmed with confusion at her supposed mistake, persuaded her mamma to decamp.

By this curious turn of disposition I have gained the reputation of deliberate heartlessness, how undeserved, I alone can appreciate.

WILD THINGS

2009-11-01T23:02:00.002+11:00

ROCK ISLAND BEND - Peter Dombrovskis

"In Wildness Is the
Preservation of the World"

-Thoreau-

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

2009-10-31T08:37:00.002+11:00

Would you dance with the Devil in the pale moonlight?

Would you offer you throat to the wolf with the red roses?

THE TREE OF FORGIVENESS

2009-10-27T19:35:00.007+11:00

Riddled with remorse I reach out.

Naked, I plead for forgiveness.

I turn to run & hide, ashamed -

afraid that I have been rejected....once again.

But you grab hold, & won't let go

don't let me go

....don't let me go

ETERNAL

2009-10-24T21:28:00.005+11:00

"called back"

- epitaph of Emily Dickinson-

REMEMBRANCE

2009-10-24T20:19:00.004+11:00

Cold in the earth - and the deep snow piled above thee,

Far, far, removed, cold in the dreary grave!

Have I forgot, my only Love, to love thee,

Severed at last by Time's all severing wave?

Now, when alone, do my thoughts no longer hover

Over the mountains, on that northern shore,

Resting their wings where heath and fern-leaves cover

Thy noble heart for ever, ever more?

Cold in the earth - and fifiteen wild Decembers,

From those brown hills, have melted into spring:

Faithful, indeed, is the spirit that remembers

After such years of change and suffering!

Sweet love of youth, forgive, if I forget thee,

While the world's tide is bearing me along;

Other desires and other hopes beset me,

Hopes which obscure, but cannot do thee wrong!

No later light has lightened up my heaven,

No second morn has ever shone for me;

All my life's bliss from thy dear life was given,

All my life's bliss is in the grave with thee.

But, when the days of golden dreams had perished,

And even Despair was powerless to destroy;

Then did I learn how existence could be cherished,

Strengthened, and fed without the aid of joy.

Then did I check the tears of useless passion-

Weaned my young soul from yearning after thine;

Sternly denied its burning wish to hasten

Down to that tomb already more than mine.

And, even yet, I dare not let it languish,

Dare not indulge in memory's rapturous pain;

Once drinking deep of that divinest anguish,

How could I seek the empty world again?

- Emily Bronte

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO EEYORE

2009-10-20T23:09:00.009+11:00

"Good morning, Pooh Bear," said Eeyore gloomily. "If it is a good morning," he said. "Which I doubt," said he.

"Why, what's the matter?"

"Nothing, Pooh Bear, nothing. We can't all, and some of us don't. That's all there is to it."

"Can't all what?" said Pooh, rubbing his nose.

"Gaiety. Song-and-dance. Here we go round the mulberry bush."

- A.A. MILNE-

SPRING

2009-10-19T16:07:00.005+11:00

SPRING has finally arrived in Melbourne ..........better late than never. It was wonderful to feel the sun on my face as I walked to the market this morning, it does my mood the world of good too.

Spring has returned. The Earth is like a child that knows poems."

~Rainer Maria Rilke

POOH, PIGLET & THE SWINE FLU

2009-10-16T20:43:00.000+11:00

Don't you just love this!

10TH OCTOBER - "WORLD MENTAL HEALTH DAY"

2009-10-12T19:57:00.006+11:00

World Mental Health Day on 10 October raises public awareness about mental health issues. The Day promotes more open discussion of illnesses, and investments in prevention and treatment services.

TODAY'S TREASURE

2009-10-12T16:08:00.011+11:00

I had a brief but wonderful visit from my brother Steven & his wife Donna. The weather was perfect & we enjoyed a trip around Southbank & part of South Yarra.

TODAY'S TREASURE

2009-09-25T17:52:00.003+10:00

Getting caught in the Melbourne rain & becoming drenched to the bone!

"A poet is someone who stands outside in the rain hoping to be struck by lightning" - James Dickey

CONTACT

2009-09-15T17:56:00.009+10:00

I am facing a dilemma, I have tracked down an old friend and don't know whether to try and make contact. We originally had a falling out about a decade ago over something I did. At the time she had two small children, was living with the father but was receiving single parent payments & little to no money from him - one of the children were sleeping on a mattress on the floor. Meanwhile at the time, he was driving around in a $65K car and buying doodads for himself. My response was to contact Centrelink (social security) - in fact it wasn't even me who made the phone call, it was my husband. It was a big mistake. I wrote to her asking for her forgiveness about 5 years ago but heard nothing back. I don't know whether to just move on & put it all behind me or to give it another shot. We shared a lot of fun times together despite being so vastly different. I do miss her - I think of her all the time.

TODAY'S TREASURE

2009-09-07T21:21:00.005+10:00

My husband & I have just discovered "True Blood" & got through the whole of season one in just two sittings! It's been ages since a TV show has delighted me so much - I just love it. It brings together so many of the things I like such as vampires & folklore - all with a spicy Cajun flavour. Watch it!

TODAY'S TREASURE

2009-09-01T17:35:00.004+10:00

The first day of Spring!

Despite the day being grey I could still sense it.....the change. I threw off my jacket and put on a floral scent & went along with a song in my heart.

"No matter how long the winter, Spring is sure to follow"

-proverb-

TODAY'S TREASURE

2009-08-30T17:23:00.007+10:00

Getting home moments before the rain & capturing a beautiful rainbow just on dusk.

"My father says that there is only one perfect view, that of the sky over our heads." (George Emerson in A Room with a View by E.M. Forster)

TODAY'S TREASURE

2009-08-28T16:28:00.005+10:00

Waking to the sound of a bird singing on my balcony - there were countless perches to choose from but he chose mine.

"The song was wordless, the singing will never be done"

-Siegfried Sasson-

ANTICIPATION

2009-08-24T19:13:00.003+10:00

I can't wait for this one!

TODAY'S TREASURE

2009-08-24T18:21:00.003+10:00

Enjoying a packet of chocolate covered coffee beans from the local chocolaterie "Ganache" .........a YUM that leaves you with a BUZZ!

TODAY'S TREASURE

2009-08-21T18:22:00.005+10:00

Preparing dinner for an old friend

TODAY'S TREASURE

2009-08-18T19:47:00.006+10:00

Walking to the market today in "sunshine" & seeing the first buds of spring breaking out everywhere - like these magnificent Magnolia's.

LIES

2009-08-18T19:15:00.002+10:00

I became pretty upset today, I was lied to by someone I care about. I keep getting reminded by my husband (not the perpetrator) that it was only a lie of omission but it still really upset me. Ever since I was young I have hated lies no matter how small or seemingly "harmless" they might be. Here I am the one with mental health problems yet the people around me choose to live a lie of their own making - Isn't this to some extent "delusional" behaviour? I hope & pray she wakes up out of this dreamworld she is living in ..... sooner rather than later.

LIFE AND GROWTH

2009-08-17T21:31:00.007+10:00

I have started to look for work again. I feel like a bit of a fraud because I have been looking at part time nursing jobs. The thing is I sincerely gave working in retail some thought but I just can't see myself doing it. The other thing I need to consider is money - I can earn twice as much in nursing. So I'm looking for part time work in a nursing home - a job which should be less stressful & should be less isolating. One of the main things I need to concentrate on is getting out & meeting people (easier said than done). I need to focus on life & growth not death & decay......I can't wait for Spring.

TRANSFORMATION

2009-07-17T18:58:00.006+10:00

Be transformed by the renewing of your mind

-Romans 12:2-

SLEEP

2009-07-16T16:45:00.005+10:00

I had nothing that needed to be done today so my alarm wasn't set as per usual - & you know what time I woke up? 2:30 in the afternoon! 17+ hrs sleep. Surely this is not normal & I must be over medicated. It's the last time it'll happen though - I'll be setting my alarm whether I need to or not cause I need to maintain some semblance of structure in my life.

RESIGNATION

2009-07-14T13:44:00.008+10:00

Just last week I resigned from my nursing job - I'd been there just on six months. I resigned not only from my position but consciously resigned myself from "nursing" altogether. Nothing against nursing, I just cannot do it - it's too stressful & taxing on me both physically & mentally. I've never really enjoyed nursing in the decade I have been a nurse & I believe that it is one profession that you really do need to "like" to be good at it.

So what now? I have no idea. Prior to getting a "job" I'm going to concentrate on restoring myself a little - be it physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually - cause I've treated myself pretty bad over the last few years.

My recent trip back home had a profound effect on me - I found myself having feelings for my family that I had not had for a very long time. Not that I didn't love my family beforehand it was just that I was somehow anaesthetised - like I had somehow lost the ability to love my own family, and to a greater extent God. It is probably because the depression & despair are lifting & for the first time in ages I can see & feel past my "self".

HOMEWARD BOUND

2009-06-10T22:54:00.010+10:00

I'm off home for a few days after much haggling from my family (note how I still call where my parents live "HOME"). A lot has happened since I last saw my family - I'm sure they will be able to see the toll it has all taken on my body. Sometimes I don't even recognize me myself, I find myself staring at my reflection looking for some sense of recognition but there's none to be found. I've made a concerted effort to be more mobile lately - God knows how many days I've spent just sitting here in my little hole watching the time pass by as it does, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, but passing by regardless.

THE METRO

2009-05-25T15:25:00.015+10:00

"In my twenty-seventh year, while riding the metro in Leningrad (St. Petersburg) I was overcome with despair so great that life seemed to stop at once, preempting the future entirely, let alone any meaning. Suddenly, all by itself, a phrase appeared: Without God life makes no sense. Repeating it in astonishment, I rode the phrase up like a moving staircase, got out of the metro & walked into God's light."

- Andrei Bitov (a Russian novelist who grew up under a government which denied the existence of God)

Oh how I can relate. For what purpose are we here for than for something outside of our mere selves? I ponder though at what & whom "God" is as such. Is he a kind and merciful God? if so I struggle to find his clemency at times. Or is he rather a remote being, the very model of a scientist - not wishing to tamper too much with the experiment.

IMPACT

2009-05-23T22:01:00.007+10:00

I got a call at 10pm last night from my big grizzly bear of a brother Steve. He was in a bar somewhere in Armidale NSW with some friends, he was pretty drunk, I can always tell when he's drunk cause he can't stop telling me he loves me "I LOVE YOU.....YOU KNOW THAT.....I LOVE YOU! & ANY TIME....ANY TIME AT ALL YOU CAN CALL ME" At the time of the call I laughed but today it hit me pretty hard. Hard in that I have caused my family so much concern & worry. I mean here is my 42 year old brother at a bar with friends on a friday night & it suddenly grips him to phone his Bipolar sister who's recently been unwell again. I should count myself lucky....no fortunate that I have such a family that loves me but this has been a reminder never to take them for granted also.

ANGELS & DEMONS

2009-05-22T21:00:00.006+10:00

An interesting conversation held between the Camerlengo Father Patrick McKenna and Robert Langdon:

Do you believe in God sir?

Father I simply believe that religion-

I did not ask if you believe what man says about God, I asked if you believe in God

I'm an academic, my mind tells me I will never understand God.

And your heart?

Tells me I'm not meant to.....Faith is a gift I've yet to receive.

DAY BY DAY

2009-05-14T17:18:00.004+10:00

Well I feel like I've just been through the depths of Hell & back. I have now been weaned off Efexor & yes the horror stories about withdrawal are true. I've started on a new NSRI today & all my hopes are pinned on it! (despite the fact that the first dose of it made me projectile vomit all over the kitchen bench). Today has been pretty bad - I've been constantly crying and beating up on myself with continual self loathing, the only comfort being the 3 valium I've taken since lunch time.

The D word came up with my psychiatrist today - "Disability" - I think he is losing faith in me ever returning to work. I'm sorry but that would be it for me, it's unfortunate but work defines so much of who you are. On the topic of work - prior to my current absence I told my boss that I had to go into hospital for 10 days - so he took me off the roster for the 10 days & had me back on the very next day, as if I'd be okay to return to work. I suppose I take for granted that people will understand.

I hope this post makes sense, at the moment I can't seem to be able to do much of anything - I can't read, can't watch movies - I watch Master Chef on TV each night & that's about it, along with my trips every 3 days to the psychiatrist.

Hope everyone else is well......I truly do, I would not wish this dreaded condition on anyone.

PAIN

2009-05-05T18:56:00.004+10:00

"To get through each day.....each hour, knowing that this is just a feeling & it too will pass" - advice given by my psychiatrist

ETERNAL

2009-05-03T18:10:00.005+10:00

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has set eternity in the hearts of men.

- Ecclesiastes 3:11

Most people fear death, why is it then that it's the concept of eternity.....of everlasting life that makes me tremble. I was in a dark place today, I had visions of hanging myself from the steel beam in the ceiling but as usual my mood got brighter as the day grew darker.

Another day and I'm still here, Oh how I wish I wasn't.

NOW

2009-04-25T17:29:00.004+10:00

On the recommendation of a friend I am currently reading "The Power of NOW" by Eckhart Tolle, talk about a tough read. I am beginning to realize that I am in a constant flux of either wallowing in the past or anticipating the future and rarely do I just exist in the moment - in the here & now.

As a nurse I help a young lady with EB - a condition which has left her disfigured and with major physical limitations. Because she asked, I disclosed to her my personal struggle with Bipolar - and I was amazed to hear that she has never gotten down & depressed, that she views life and every moment as a gift. In that moment I wished I could trade places with her.

This book offers hope of release from my burden of depression - teaching that positive ways of thinking & a commitment to the now is a choice that can be learnt & practiced until it becomes habitual. I'll keep you posted with how I go.

BLUE

2009-04-20T18:42:00.009+10:00

I hate to say it but I'm on another downer.....I'm not quite in the depths of despair but have been sleeping 20 out of 24 hours & have little interest in anything. Today I ventured outside for the first time in 3 days which was a huge effort & I'm planning on going to work tomorrow! I'm on the highest dosage of my NSRI so the plan is to go into hospital early next month to go off it & onto another medication.

My dear husband got short with me for the first time today - it was bound to happen sooner or later. I'm just so fed up with it all....I don't want to sound like a victim here, but I feel like one. Lately I've been trying to focus on my spiritual health (as it was poorly lacking & frightfully neglected), I thought I was onto something......but perhaps not. I don't feel sorry for myself ........really I don't - I feel more sorry for my husband, my family, my employer & colleagues, & dare I say it.....my psychiatrist!

DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL

2009-04-04T19:21:00.007+11:00

Although the expression would not come into being till the 16th century, I cannot help but think of the garden of Gethsemane as Christ's "Dark night of the soul," - his moment of deep spiritual anguish.

Upon a darkened night

the flame of love was burning in my breast

And by a lantern bright

I fled my house while all in quiet rest
Shrouded by the night

and by the secret stair I quickly fled

The veil concealed my eyes

while all within lay quiet as the dead

Oh night thou was my guide

oh night more loving than the rising sun

Oh night that joined the lover

to the beloved one

transforming each of them into the other

Upon that misty night

in secrecy, beyond such mortal sight

Without a guide or light

than that which burned so deeply in my heart

That fire t'was led me on

and shone more bright than of the midday sun

To where he waited still

it was a place where no one else could come

Within my pounding heart

which kept itself entirely for him

He fell into his sleep

beneath the cedars all my love I gave

And by the fortress walls

the wind would brush his hair against his brow

And with its smoothest hand

caressed my every sense it would allow

I lost myself to him

and laid my face upon my lovers breast

And care and grief grew dim

as in the mornings mist became the light

There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair

Lyric St John of the Cross

Youtube link Loreena McKennitt: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcVaEA0009Q

GETHSEMANE

2009-04-04T19:09:00.004+11:00

Jesus went out as usual to the Mount of Olives, and his disciples followed him. On reaching the place, he said to them, "Pray that you will not fall into temptation." He withdrew about a stone's throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will but yours be done." An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.

When he rose from prayer and went back to the disciples, he found them asleep, exhausted from sorrow. "Why are you sleeping?" he asked them. "Get up and pray so that you do not fall into temptation." LUKE 22:39-46

PRAYER

2009-03-26T19:45:00.005+11:00

I spent some time today with a lady who is dying, after we got past all the medical stuff we sat back & talked over a cuppa & scones. She admitted to me that she was scared....'terrified' was the term she used. She is a woman of faith & she told me of how she meditated with prayer. I admitted that lately I'd been crying out into the night to God - to whatever is out there to help me...to guide me - she replied "no my dear, you musn't pray in the darkness or it will overcome you......the best times to pray are at sunrise & sunset.

PURPOSE

2009-03-11T18:53:00.004+11:00

"A man without a purpose is like a ship without a rudder - a waif, a nothing, a no man."

-Thomas Carlyle-

GREETINGS

2009-03-11T18:11:00.001+11:00

I still have no computer, as my laptop was still under warranty it has been sent off to NSW to get fixed. Oh how I am missing blogging - hopefully I will be back soon. My thoughts & prayers are with you all.

BROKEN

2009-02-19T19:45:00.002+11:00

I have not been posting of late as my computer has decided to do bizarre & weired things - it's beyond infected, it's dead. So hopefully I will be back on line once my laptop is fixed or I get a new one. I think I may go for a Mac this time, my husband never seems to have any problems with his.

FEBRUARY 7TH 2009

2009-02-10T14:15:00.010+11:00

Here are pictures I took of the sky over the southern suburbs of Melbourne on February 7th - the day of the bushfires.....the day from Hell. Who knew then what was taking place under this same sky only miles away - the extent of the death & devastation. My thoughts & prayers are with all those effected during this time of trial.

& I pray for rain.

FROM HELL

2009-02-09T13:54:00.012+11:00

I've been feeling pretty unwell these past few days & have spent most of the time sweating & sleeping - hopefully all I have is a virus, as my eyes & throat are burning. This isn't good though as I have medical reviews later this week with the endocrinologist & the psychiatrist & I always try to put my best foot (or face) forward when I see them. I fear that they will decide to change my medication - a process which will require time off work. I guess we'll just have to see what the latest blood tests reveal. I want so much to be well, the moment I overextend myself (even just a little) I feel the consequences & I long for the cooler weather so I will no longer sweat like a madman.

But I have Life & for this I should be greatful. I feel so selfish when I navel gaze like this especially when more than 107 people have just lost their lives and hundreds more their homes in the worst bush fires Victoria has ever seen. Saturday was so eerie - the skies were grey the winds were raging through 47 degree heat, it was as they say "the day from hell."

Tonight on the ABC is a program "Stephen Fry - the secret life of the Manic Depressive" - which should be interesting to watch.

VISITATIONS

2009-02-08T14:24:00.016+11:00

I have these moments

between sleep & awake

moments when I'm no longer here

& you're no longer there

where then & now collide

I treasure these moments

however fleeting they might be

they are glimpses of another world

where you & I still dwell

as lovers, as friends

Together once more

in blissful sanctuary

KNOWING

2009-02-06T17:31:00.004+11:00

I am putting the call out to anyone who has "psychic" experiences on a regular basis. Lately I have found myself to be in a place where they are happening nearly every day. My husband often says to me that I reply to things that he doesn't even say out loud & the other day it happened in a taxi cab when I said to the driver "No, the street up ahead is High street not Toorak road" & the cab driver looked at me & said "I didn't ask that out loud" but I heard him as clear as day. I am also certain that people put off odours when they are ill - I can always tell when my husband is getting sick in this way, even before he becomes symptomatic. The dying give off a particularly distinct smell. I got a lot of strange looks the other day when I was at a lecture about CPR in the community & we were talking about the signs of life & I said "You just know when someone has died.....it's as if they have left the room" - but there were also some people there who I'm sure knew exactly what I was talking about.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PETE

2009-01-31T16:51:00.008+11:00

Happy 43rd birthday to my big brother Pete

You are more than just a brother, you are one of my closest confidants, a tower of strength & a true friend. Remember last summer when we stood at the shoreline & screamed with delight when the waves took hold of us? It was just like we were a couple of kids again.

HEAT

2009-01-31T14:34:00.008+11:00

Here in Melbourne we are currently experiencing the worst heat wave on record - this past week the temperature has been in the mid forties (that's 112 in fahrenheit). There have been mass power outages with traffic lights not working, trains not running, & small fires bursting to life across the state. Birds were lying on the ground, not even flinching an inch as you walked by. I, along with many others, have been left feeling utterly drained & exhausted - like we've all just spent the past week in a sauna. Today has provided the first day of releif - it is a tollerable 27 degrees. Thank God the worst is over - I've never experienced anything like it in my life. And to think that just two weeks ago I was commenting on how mild the summer had been!

FREINDS AWARD

2009-01-25T08:53:00.002+11:00

Many thanks Faith ....you made my day!

DEPARTURE

2009-01-24T10:06:00.005+11:00

It is best to avoid the beginnings of evil

-Henry David Thoreau-

My heart is just breaking at the moment, just three short days ago we gathered at Vilai's funeral, & now, so it seems, everyone is gathering like a hoard of vultures to tear apart the remnants she has left behind. It's times like these I wonder about my own death & how a similar scene can be avoided. I would like to leave this world owing nothing & owning nothing, to leave my estate in its entirety to charitable organisations which I have supported (the Wilderness society & Friends of the Earth) as well as to the Greens party.

My father & his brother & sister still argue about who got what after their parents died - I think it is pathetic. Just a week ago they had a dispute over a photograph.....a simple bloody photograph! Money & possessions can bring out the very worst in people.

TODAY'S TREASURE

2009-01-23T17:18:00.008+11:00

Put simply......waking up at home.

I spent 13 hours yesterday getting from Townville to Melbourne & no I didn't catch a bus! There was the initial delay in Townsville of 3.5 hours, & if my husband hadn't kept his phone on silent I could have spent them somewhere other than a boring departure lounge, like asleep in bed maybe. Then there was a 3 hour delay for the connecting flight in Brisbane, I got excited over this at first as I thought I could catch up with my parents but they had gone out for lunch & refuse to get a mobile phone so were not contactable. For all this inconvenience I, along with other fellow travellers, were given a $6 voucher to spend at any of the food outlets at the airport - how generous! Well I finished one book & started another & bought a new bag & purse from Guess which cost me $175 (a purchase I wouldn't have made if I hadn't been so blasted bored - I do like them though, I'm a sucker for handbags). Then I was harangued by some woman from Citibank. Waiting....it can be so tiresome - I have slept on & off most of today, it was definitley a day I'd rather forget.

MUM

2009-01-22T20:38:00.005+11:00

I have just returned home from Townsville where I attended my mother-in-law's funeral. The entire service was in Thai & was conducted by a Buddhist monk. It was lovely listening to the soothing chants & to individually go up & lay flowers on her body. My husband spoke of his mother with such love & affection. He told me later of how during his private veiwing of Vilai's body he had picked up her hands and stroked them gently, he did this in remembrance of the many times he massaged her feet & hands when he was a boy after she had had a long, hard day at work.

The strange thing is that today is also my mothers birthday. Happy 66th birthday mum - I love you so very much & just so you know - I'm not ready for you to die just yet, but my guess is I'm never going to be.

BYE FOR NOW

2009-01-20T19:58:00.006+11:00

I'm flying off to the Deep North for a couple of days to attend the funeral of my mother-in-law. Will be back soon....ciao. Isn't this a spectacular shot?

Out of the dusk a shadow,

then a spark;

out of the cloud a silence,

then a lark.

Out of the heart a rapture,

then a pain;

out of the dead, cold ashes,

Life again.

-John Bannister Tabb-

TODAY'S TREASURE

2009-01-20T18:57:00.006+11:00

Getting a voice message on my mobile from my brother Steven - wishing me a happy birthday (a week late, but better late than never) & telling me "I love ya sis" - brought tears to my eyes, you'd understand why if you knew him, he can barely string two words together & his vocabulary consisits of "fair dinkum" & "you're kidding". This photo says it all really.

TODAY'S TREASURE

2009-01-19T18:58:00.004+11:00

There is a client I have that I see three times a week, I was told he was a bit of an ogre but really he's just a big teddy bear & we've become friends. In a former life he was a pastry chef & when I visited today he had a surprise for me, he had gone to the trouble of making me a rasberry cheescake which was simply superb.

CLOSING TIME

2009-01-18T19:05:00.009+11:00

I'm just taking it easy today & thought I'd watch some TV for a change - and what do I find? Sport; sport & more blasted SPORT! I know it is so un-Australian of me but I just don't see the point, what are they running for again - can someone please remind me? And don't even get me started on sports that involve poor innocent animals. People just turn stupid when they watch sport - they drink; they swear; they shout & sing AC/DC songs. I thank God my husband shares my dislike of sport & I count my lucky stars that he refrains from the bogan activities that usually accompany this great Australian pastime. So I'll just sit back, turn off the tellie & put on a little Leonard Cohen - the great Canadian Poet, he never disappoints.

Youtube link: http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=hrPEM2qc-j8&feature=related

SUMMER

2009-01-18T13:35:00.007+11:00

We have had such a mild summer here in Melbourne, a couple of hot days but that aside you would think we were in still in spring. Today was a perfect 19 degrees with not a cloud in sight.

"Live in the sunshine, swim in the sea, drink in the wild air"

-Ralph Waldo Emerson-

TODAY'S TREASURE

2009-01-18T11:39:00.007+11:00

Walking past a daschund having brunch with whom I assume was its owner at a local cafe. The pampered pooch was all dressed up & sitting on its own chair enjoying some sort of beverage (which I doubt was water) from a mug.

THE SELFISH GIANT BY OSCAR WILDE

2009-01-17T19:14:00.009+11:00

Every afternoon, as they were coming from school, the children used to go and play in the Giant's garden. It was a large lovely garden, with soft green grass. Here and there over the grass stood beautiful flowers like stars, and there were twelve peach-trees that in the spring-time broke out into delicate blossoms of pink and pearl, and in the autumn bore rich fruit. The birds sat on the trees and sang so sweetly that the children used to stop their games in order to listen to them. 'How happy we are here!' they cried to each other. One day the Giant came back. He had been to visit his friend the Cornish ogre, and had stayed with him for seven years. After the seven years were over he had said all that he had to say, for his conversation was limited, and he determined to return to his own castle. When he arrived he saw the children playing in the garden. 'What are you doing here?' he cried in a very gruff voice, and the children ran away. 'My own garden is my own garden,' said the Giant; 'any one can understand that, and I will allow nobody to play in it but myself.' So he built a high wall all round it, and put up a notice-board.

TRESPASSERS WILL BE PROSECUTED

He was a very selfish Giant.

The poor children had now nowhere to play. They tried to play on the road, but the road was very dusty and full of hard stones, and they did not like it. They used to wander round the high wall when their lessons were over, and talk about the beautiful garden inside. 'How happy we were there,' they said to each other. Then the Spring came, and all over the country there were little blossoms and little birds. Only in the garden of the Selfish Giant it was still Winter. The birds did not care to sing in it as there were no children, and the trees forgot to blossom. Once a beautiful flower put its head out from the grass, but when it saw the notice-board it was so sorry for the children that it slipped back into the ground again, and went off to sleep. The only people who were pleased were the Snow and the Frost. 'Spring has forgotten this garden,' they cried, 'so we will live here all the year round.' The Snow covered up the grass with her great white cloak, and the Frost painted all the trees silver. Then they invited the North Wind to stay with them, and he came. He was wrapped in furs, and he roared all day about the garden, and blew the chimney-pots down. 'This is a delightful spot,' he said, 'we must ask the Hail on a visit.' So the Hail came. Every day for three hours he rattled on the roof of the castle till he broke most of the slates, and then he ran round and round the garden as fast as he could go. He was dressed in grey, and his breath was like ice. 'I cannot understand why the Spring is so late in coming,' said the Selfish Giant, as he sat at the window and looked out at his cold white garden; 'I hope there will be a change in the weather.' But the Spring never came, nor the Summer. The Autumn gave golden fruit to every garden, but to the Giant's garden she gave none. 'He is too selfish,' she said. So it was always Winter there, and the North Wind, and the Hail, and the Frost, and the Snow danced about through the trees.

III

One morning the Giant was lying awake in bed when he heard some lovely music. It sounded so sweet to his ears that he thought it must be the King's musicians passing by. It was really only a little linnet singing outside his window, but it was so long since he had heard a bird sing in his garden that it seemed to him to be the most beautiful music in the world. Then the Hail stopped dancing over his head, and the North Wind ceased roaring, and a delicious perfume came to him through the open casement. 'I believe the Spring has come at last,' said the Giant; and he jumped out of bed and looked out. What did he see? He saw a most wonderful sight. Through a little hole in the wall the children had crept in, and they were sitting in the branches of the trees. In every tree that he could see there was a little child. And the trees were so glad to have the children back again that they had covered themselves with blossoms, and were waving their arms gently above the children's heads. The birds were flying about and twittering with delight, and the flowers were looking up through the green grass and laughing. It was a lovely scene, only in one corner it was still Winter. It was the farthest corner of the garden, and in it was standing a little boy. He was so small that he could not reach up to the branches of the tree, and he was wandering all round it, crying bitterly. The poor tree was still quite covered with frost and snow, and the North Wind was blowing and roaring above it. 'Climb up! little boy,' said the Tree, and it bent its branches down as low as it could; but the little boy was too tiny. And the Giant's heart melted as he looked out. 'How selfish I have been!' he said; 'now I know why the Spring would not come here. I will put that poor little boy on the top of the tree, and then I will knock down the wall, and my garden shall be the children's playground for ever and ever.' He was really very sorry for what he had done.

So he crept downstairs and opened the front door quite softly, and went out into the garden. But when the children saw him they were so frightened that they all ran away, and the garden became Winter again. Only the little boy did not run, for his eyes were so full of tears that he died not see the Giant coming. And the Giant stole up behind him and took him gently in his hand, and put him up into the tree. And the tree broke at once into blossom, and the birds came and sang on it, and the little boy stretched out his two arms and flung them round the Giant's neck, and kissed him. And the other children, when they saw that the Giant was not wicked any longer, came running back, and with them came the Spring. 'It is your garden now, little children,' said the Giant, and he took a great axe and knocked down the wall. And when the people were gong to market at twelve o'clock they found the Giant playing with the children in the most beautiful garden they had ever seen. All day long they played, and in the evening they came to the Giant to bid him good-bye. 'But where is your little companion?' he said: 'the boy I put into the tree.' The Giant loved him the best because he had kissed him. 'We don't know,' answered the children; 'he has gone away.' 'You must tell him to be sure and come here to-morrow,' said the Giant. But the children said that they did not know where he lived, and had never seen him before; and the Giant felt very sad. Every afternoon, when school was over, the children came and played with the Giant. But the little boy whom the Giant loved was never seen again. The Giant was very kind to all the children, yet he longed for his first little friend, and often spoke of him. 'How I would like to see him!' he used to say. Years went over, and the Giant grew very old and feeble. He could not play about any more, so he sat in a huge armchair, and watched the children at their games, and admired his garden. 'I have many beautiful flowers,' he said; 'but the children are the most beautiful flowers of all.'

One winter morning he looked out of his window as he was dressing. He did not hate the Winter now, for he knew that it was merely the Spring asleep, and that the flowers were resting. Suddenly he rubbed his eyes in wonder, and looked and looked. It certainly was a marvellous sight. In the farthest corner of the garden was a tree quite covered with lovely white blossoms. Its branches were all golden, and silver fruit hung down from them, and underneath it stood the little boy he had loved. Downstairs ran the Giant in great joy, and out into the garden. He hastened across the grass, and came near to the child. And when he came quite close his face grew red with anger, and he said, 'Who hath dared to wound thee?' For on the palms of the child's hands were the prints of two nails, and the prints of two nails were on the little feet. 'Who hath dared to wound thee?' cried the Giant; 'tell me, that I may take my big sword and slay him.' 'Nay!' answered the child; 'but these are the wounds of Love.' 'Who art thou?' said the Giant, and a strange awe fell on him, and he knelt before the little child. And the child smiled on the Giant, and said to him, 'You let me play once in your garden, to-day you shall come with me to my garden, which is Paradise.' And when the children ran in that afternoon, they found the Giant lying dead under the tree, all covered with white blossoms.

CONNECTIONS

2009-01-17T09:22:00.013+11:00

On tuesday, two days before my mother-in-law's death, I had my review with the psychiatrist. I spent the entire appointment on the verge of tears for no apparent reason, and as a result my medications have been increased slightly. he is also talking of changing my medication altogether - something that would require time off work & possibly hospitalisation.

It's strange, the week leading up to Vilai's death I felt dreadful, I was depressed, teary & kept getting the constant sensation that someone was walking all over my grave. Was this some sort of premonition? I don't know. I have been described as being an empath. I recall one instance when I was a teenager, I was shopping in the Brisbane Valley and this strange small woman stopped me & commented on my large forehead - "you're a communicator" she said reaching up to touch my face "you're stuck between this world & the next." I have never forgotten this encounter - what possess a stranger to walk up & say such things?

I sense that deep down we are all connected,

I know not how but we are.

By a tie that binds

you to me

& me to you.

In some strange way

by some strange force

out on the edge of the ether

2009-01-17T07:16:00.004+11:00

My husband has accepted the sudden death of his mother with such grace and level-headedness, as he does with most things - he truly is inspirational. The coroner's report found that his mother Vilai died of a ruptured aorta - her funeral will be held next week. A buddhist monk from Brisbane will conduct the service as Vilai was well known in the local buddhist community & once headed the Thai meditation centre in Townville. She will be remembered for her tireless work for others - I don't think I have ever met anyone, with the excption of my own father, who worked so hard. And then there was the constant efforts by her to bring a disjointed family together - something that will now happen as they all gather to commemorate her life.

Here is one of the last photos taken of my husband with his mother - from left to right is Vilai; my husbands nanny (in the middle); & my husband.

Vilai

2009-01-15T19:11:00.007+11:00

I've been slack with my posting lately & today I have made a pact with myself to be more consistent. Today has been pretty rough so I have no treasure to share, it's possibly the worse day I've had in months - this morning my mood was low & I was on the verge of tears a lot of the time. The saddest moment came when I returned home to find out that my husband's mother died suddenly today, she presented to hospital 2 days ago with pain & was awaiting a gallbladder operation. We are all in shock, she was only 60 years old - it's now a coroners case. Goodbye Vilai.....may you rest in peace

DOUBT

2009-01-11T19:55:00.012+11:00

I went and saw the film Doubt today & let’s just say it’s left a pretty big impression. I can’t quite recall the last time I identified so much with a character as that of Sister Aloysius played by Meryl Streep. I wont give too much of the film away only to say that Sister Aloysius, the school principal, suspects the parish priest Father Flynn of inappropriate conduct with one of the school students. It is never quite established whether or not he is guilty, hence the title “Doubt.” Sister Aloysius approaches the Monsignor with her suspicions only for him to dismiss her & instead transfers Father Flynn to another school & promotes him in the process. The film ends with Sister Aloysius, who has thus far been portrayed as being of strong moral character & steadfast conviction, questioning herself & proclaiming her “doubts” to Sister James. It is left open to interpretation as to whether these doubts are about Father Flynn – has he committed no crime & she has therefore persecuted an innocent man? Or is he guilty & has now moved on to yet another school where he can continue to abuse young children? Or maybe she is questioning the very essence of her own personal faith in God?

Like Sister Aloysius I am a person of very strong moral convictions - to the extent that my psychiatrist believes they may well lie at the root of my depressive episodes. My approach to life is often deontological in nature, a series of obligations & duties which I am bound to regardless of the consequences – unfortunately I ascribe these rules to those around me also. I lost one of my closest & dearest friends due to this when I reported her for receiving single parent benefits when her partner was living with her & reported him for rorting child support payments. Shocking I know; I justified my actions by believing I was doing it for the honest tax payer & that what they were doing was fundamentally wrong…. but was what I did any better? I have even isolated myself from members of my own family by accusing them of nepotism & by claiming that if I find out one more time that they are pirating movies or doing “cash in hand” jobs I will notify the respective authorities. There was even an instance when a friend of mine who is a primary school teacher told me of how he, along with his male colleagues, discuss the attractiveness of female students - I couldn't sleep that night & even now I can't see him or think of him without recalling this conversation. What is wrong with me? Why am I so sanctimonious & self righteous? Most people just turn a blind eye & let sleeping dogs lie. Maybe it’s because I’m a nurse & have had to report such acts as child abuse & elder abuse, I don’t know – even now deep down I believe what I did was right…..how it's all black & white, just like a nuns habit.

THIRTY-FIVE

2009-01-11T11:37:00.008+11:00

35 years old today! I'm off out to see the film Doubt - have received lots of goodies including L'Eau D'Issey by Issey Miyake, Cherry Blossom by L'Occitane & a compilation CD of Nina Simone.

Youtube link: http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=UWvq8-6_ApM&feature=related

PAINT

2009-01-10T18:36:00.004+11:00

Thanks for showing me how to use PAINT on the computer Jan - this is for you! Pretty average but I'm just a beginner!

GRAVE STEPPING

2009-01-10T11:48:00.009+11:00

You know that feeling you get sometimes like someone has walked over your grave? Well lately I've been experiencing it quite frequently. No doubt it's probably just yet another side effect of the medication but it's quite unsettling.

Ever since I had that lucid dream just before Christmas I have had the desire to go to church so tomorrow I am going attend the service at the Presbyterian church just down the street - who knows it might be just a one off thing....& maybe not.

GETTING TO KNOW YOU

2009-01-09T19:56:00.010+11:00

You want to hear something funny? When I was undergoing training the other day we were all getting to know one another a bit better over lunch - we were swapping horror stories of community nursing, most of which were stories that dealt with psychiatric clients - one nurse started talking about patients with Bipolar disorder & then everyone else contributed by adding their stories about BPD. I sat silent, in an attempt to include me, one nurse asked me where I had been working previously & I explained that I had been off work due to illness. They all looked intrigued & started asking questions, skirting around the one that they really wanted to know - what was wrong with me. And so I put them out of their misery & told them I'd been diagnosed with BPD - well you could have heard a pin drop.

It's interesting how much social stigma there still is, how people with a psychiatric diagnosis are "typecast" - even by people in the health care industry (I think they may well be the worst offenders). At work we go to such great lengths to respect & protect the identity of clients with HIV/AIDS but we don't do the same for people with a mental illness....& why is that?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY VALYSHA

2009-01-09T19:32:00.004+11:00

A happy belated birthday to Valysha for yesterday!

Lots of love & kisses xox - hope you've had fun in Townsville with Grandma & Grandpa Rowley.

TODAY'S TREASURE

2009-01-09T19:06:00.006+11:00

Making it to the end of week 2 at work. My goodness I've become deconditioned! I have to get back into shape. This week has been pretty hectic & included two full days of hand held computer device training - practically everything is computer based & I have to lug a tablet PC around everywhere with me. So far I have a great bunch of clients, including a few young ones which is always a bit heartbreaking. Driving on the roads around here is pretty scary, what with the trams & everyone being so bloody impatient. I have a big sign plastered across the back of the car saying 'caution vehicle stopping frequently' but drivers still get shirty with me.

I haven't felt the greatest over the last couple of days, been a bit grumpy but I believe things will get better once I get in the swing of things, I'll just have to brave the storm for a while. I hope I'm coping a bit better by the time uni starts back or I'll be in big trouble - I will finish my Masters..... one day.

'It's hard to be brave,' said Piglet, sniffling slightly,

'when you're only a Very Small Animal.'

-A. A. Milne-

THE GAMES PEOPLE PLAY

2009-01-04T16:54:00.008+11:00

Can anyone tell me why people continue to play games with each other, usually with the opposite sex, even when they are well into adulthood? I've never really understood it, as I've never been one for playing games -even when I was a child. Lets take women for example - do they think that for a relationship to be real it has to have high drama in it? Do they think that their love life should read like a Barbara Cartland novel? It all seems like way too much effort for my liking. Some might say it's due to low self esteem or self preservation but I'm not so sure.

I'm really angry today as I'm fed up with this woman who has continued to play with my brother's emotions for far too long. I'm also disappointed, as I have stood up for her time & time again. I know it's really none of my business & I shouldn't be talking about it here, but really, when a person you love keeps getting hurt shouldn't you make it your business? I don't know, thanks for letting me vent....& for listening.

"Never idealise others. They will never live up to your expectations. Don't over analyse your relationships. Stop playing games. A growing relationship can only be nutured by genuineness"”
- Leo F. Buscaglia -

VISION

2009-01-03T17:47:00.007+11:00

Just yesterday I was visiting a client at her Toorak apartment, awestruck by her view I exclaimed "you must get the most tremendous view of the fireworks on New Years" I barely mouthed the words & a hard lump became stuck in my throat....she was blind. She smiled & as if talking to a child said "I fear I can't see any of it my dear" & then she reached out for my hand, gave it a gentle squeeze & said "would you describe it to me?". How gracious she was, she could have so easily become embittered by my foolish remark but no she turned it into something quite special - she was an enchantress.

CHANGE

2009-01-03T07:45:00.010+11:00

From a very young age I decided that as soon as I was able to that I would leave home & move far away. I loved my family but resented what we were - provincial, uneducated......& average. I always wanted something more. And deep down nothing has really changed. Well here I am, almost 35 years old & living a thousand miles from home in a metropolis of 3.5 million people - in the "cultural capital" of Australia. And with each passing year I can feel myself becoming more & more isolated from the people I love. Is this normal? Am I a snob? "The more you change the less you feel" right? I adore my parents but even the fleeting thought of returning home (for anything more than a brief visit) makes me cringe. What happens when you finally become what you set out to be & then realise you're standing out there all on your own......alone?

"To thine own self be true"

-Shakespeare-

TODAY'S TREASURE

2009-01-02T21:46:00.007+11:00

Getting a surprise phone call from my husbands daughter Valysha & seeing the joy on his face as he came up to speed with the busy life of a young adolescent. Here she is - the spitting image of her father.

HIDDEN

2009-01-01T18:19:00.007+11:00

As I stand here arms outstretched,
do they reach far enough?
Or am I to remain rooted
to this patch of earth
watching the world pass by.
Lovers, children, they come & go
breaking the boundless silence
with their laughter….with their joy

As I stand here arms outstretched,
Do they reach far enough -

to be seen, to be heard.....to be touched?

A NEW DAWN

2009-01-01T09:12:00.006+11:00

Another year has crept in overnight as I slept, yes - I fell asleep before midnight. I vaguely recall shouts & fireworks coming from the world outside but nothing more and now the city lays bathed in silence. What a year 2008 was - I will always remember it as the year I finally found out what was wrong with me.....as the year I almost died. A good deal of it has slipped by in a haze, a series of days filled with little more than just "existing". I wish to thank each & every supporter of my little Blog, for in desperate times the virtual thread that binds me to you all was the only connection I had with life.

TODAY'S TREASURE

2008-12-30T20:44:00.006+11:00

Seeing an exquisite exotic cat asleep on a clients couch. It had apparently set it's owners (the neighbours) back thousands but escapes every chance it gets, spending most of it's time asleep on the old antique chair. Typical cat....can't buy their affection.

I didn't take a photo of it - but it looked a lot like the one in this picture.

BACK TO WORK

2008-12-30T17:56:00.006+11:00

Well I hit the road today, I picked up the car & off we went to visit patients. As everything has to be so confidential, that's about all I can say really. I am working around the Stonnington area which includes my home suburb of South Yarra, along with the neighbouring suburb of Toorak - a suburb synonymous with wealth (with a median property value of 2 million dollars). It's so strange to go from visiting disadvantaged patients in housing commission units to then drive two minutes down the road to see patients who have personal maids & live in palatial mansions. The housing commission units around the southern suburbs of Melbourne seem to all be centralised whack bang in the middle of each zone and consist of huge 20 storey ghetto like blocks - they're hard to miss, it's as though they have been put there to be contained...to be 'kept an eye on'. Council meetings will be interesting indeed, I think I may have my work cut out for me.

TODAY'S TREASURE

2008-12-29T18:17:00.003+11:00

Coming home from my first day at work to find a gift in the post addressed to me - a stunning pair of earrings created by my beautiful friend Janmaree.

SHADOWBOXING DAY

2008-12-26T20:05:00.003+11:00

For the first time in almost a year I had a drink of alcohol - a nice bottle of Yellowglen Bella, and it will be my last. I was advised not to mix alcohol with the medication I'm on but I didn't think having a little on Christmas eve would hurt - I was wrong. Firstly I slept most of Christmas day and today, at the movies, I experienced heart palpitations and lower leg oedema. After watching The curious case of Benjamin Button (which was pretty good I might add) I went to get up & walk and found it extreemly difficult - I looked down only to find my feet swollen like two balloons. Before bothering my psychiatrist at Christmas or embarrasing my husband at the local emergency department (where he works) I made my way slowly home, elevated my legs & slept for 2 hours. I then did an online search about the effects of alcohol & psychotropic medications & there it all was & more. So no more alcohol for me...it's just not worth it. Good thing I hardly drank in the first place.

Ma & Pa Claus

2008-12-24T20:53:00.002+11:00

And with the rousing of emotions comes the sadness.... I miss you mum & dad, this is my sixth Christmas away from home. Hopefully one year soon I'll make it home for Christmas.

ON THE EDGE OF SEVENTY

2008-12-24T20:16:00.010+11:00

And with the mild intoxication comes the major humiliation......karaoke anyone? Oh dear, I have food all down my front! Too bad, come on....sing it with me now-

Just like the white winged dove...
Sings a song...
Sounds like shes singing...

Ooo... ooo... ooo...
Just like the white winged dove...
Sings a song...
Sounds like shes singing...
Ooo baby... ooo... said ooo
And the days go by...
Like a strand in the wind...
In the web that is my own...
I begin again
Said to my friend, baby...
Nothin else mattered
He was no more... than a baby then
Well he... seemed broken hearted...
Something within him
But the moment... that I first laid...
Eyes... on... him... all alone...
On the edge of... seventeen
Just like the white winged dove...
Sings a song...

Sounds like shes singing...
Ooo baby... ooo... said ooo...
Just like the white winged dove...
Sings a song...

Sounds like shes singing...
Said ooo baby... ooo... said ooo
Well I went today... maybe I will go again...
Tomorrow
Yeah, yeah, well the music there well it was hauntingly...
Familiar
Well I see you doing...
What I try to do for me
With the words from a poet...
And a voice from a choir
And a melody... nothing else mattered
Just like the white winged dove...
Sings a song...
Sounds like shes singing...
Ooo baby... ooo... said ooo
Just like the white winged dove...
Sings a song...
Sounds like shes singing...
Ooo baby... ooo... said ooo
The clouds... never expect it...
When it rains
But the sea changes color...
But the sea...
Does not change
And so... with the slow... graceful flow...
Of age I went forth... with an age old...
Desire... to please
On the edge of... seventeen
Oooooooooaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh
Just like the white winged dove...
Sings a song...
Sounds like shes singing...
Ooo baby... ooo... said ooo
Just like the white winged dove...
Sings a song...
Sounds like shes singing...
Ooo baby... ooo... said ooo
Well then suddenly...
There was no one... left standing
In the hall... yeah yeah...
In a flood of tears
That no one really ever heard fall at all
Well I went searchin for an answer...
Up the stairs... and down the hall
Not to find an answer...
Just to hear the call
Of a nightbird... singing...
Come away...
Just like the white winged dove...
Sings a song
Sounds like shes singing...
Ooo... baby ooo... said ooo
Just like the white winged dove...
Sings a song..
Sounds like shes singing...
Ooo... baby ooo... said ooo
Well I hear you in the morning...
And I hear you...
At nightfall...
Sometimes to be near you...
Is to be unable... to hear you...
My love...
I'm a few years older than you...
My love
Just like the white winged dove...
Sings a song...
Sounds like shes singing...
Ooo baby... ooo... said ooo

Just like a white winged dove...

sings a song...

sounds like she's singing...

Ooo baby...ooo..ooo

- Stevie Nicks (The Edge of Seventeen)

YouTube link:http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=C1h99XYvLsc

TODAY'S TREASURE

2008-12-24T16:11:00.005+11:00

Having my first glass (or two) of alcohol in almost a year & getting just tipsy enough to chatter away cheerfully yet remain just sober enough to know that I'm speaking complete & utter shit!

JINGLE BELLS

2008-12-24T15:21:00.005+11:00

I have discovered the reason why Kentucky Fried Chicken is so expensive - deep fried "southern style" chicken is one bloody long process! I have spent most of today cooking & it's mostly food I don't even eat (like chicken), but I've had fun. All this fuss for one day where we gorge ourselves & over indulge - silly really.

I've got my Christmas presents already, a beautiful succulent for my little garden on the balcony - isn't she a beauty! & a linen suit which is something I've always wanted.

TODAY'S TREASURE

2008-12-23T15:43:00.001+11:00

Opening up a Christmas parcel from my mum & dad & finding it filled with sweets & treats - YUM!

DREAM

2008-12-22T17:39:00.005+11:00

I had the strangest dream last night, It was so vivid that when I woke from it I was momentarily disorientated as to where I was & even to who I was. What I dreamt about was the Christmas story, as in the birth of Jesus Christ, and the subsequent "massacre of the innocents" that was carried out by King Herod. The most peculiar thing was that I was seeing all of this from the viewpoint of a young boy & it wasn't until the end of the dream that I realised that this child was John the Baptist. I was once deeply religious but have since become agnostic (at times even athiestic), but when I woke from this dream I had an overwhelming desire to go to church - I haven't been in 7 years! Very strange indeed.

CHRISTMAS RUSH

2008-12-22T14:41:00.005+11:00

Sheer madness in Melbourne as shoppers (including me) do last minute Christmas shopping. A giant golden Christmas tree made up of giant Ferrero Rocher chocolates (I don't think they're real somehow) hovers above us all.