BLUE

Don’t know if I can make it this time. Don’t know if I can take the failure of yet another attempt to be ‘normal’. What has happened to me? What is this thing that has invaded my head & taken up residency in my body? What exactly is this Bipolar? My husband said he had a feeling that going back to work so soon wouldn’t work out ….its been 5 weeks!! The doctor just last week looked at me solemnly & said “go back to work & just see how you go”, like he’d admitted defeat before the battle had even begun. Was I the only one who had faith in me? My parents will ring this morning to see how I went at returning to work & the tears will come again as I reiterate my failure. Mum will do her best not to cry & dad will once again say that I should be up in Queensland with them. I don’t think geography has anything to do with it! I wish the solution was that easy.

I had placed so much faith in this recovery, maybe a little too much faith. I was feeling good till yesterday though, and that is something to hold on to. I have wasted so much time & money on this ‘thing’ – naturopathy, psychology, kinesiology, & yet it remains like a disease that has resisted curative measures & palliation is all that remains. Well that’s just the thing isn’t it – there is no cure for Bipolar. Last night I cried out to God for help......I hope he heard me. I hope he's there.