Today at the psychiatrist we talked about my "dual self"; how in times of depressed mood I often feel as though I am inadequate & constantly doubting myself. He always asks me for specific examples & one episode I clearly recalled was the morning I was heading towards Gardens Point campus to sit a physiology exam. I was so anxious & despite studying believed I knew "nothing". While crossing a busy Brisbane street I felt the strong urge to throw myself out into the oncoming traffic. But I didn't - I went on to sit the exam & afterwards felt as though l had failed miserably. I got 94% on that test.
At other times when my mood is elevated I feel as though I'm the smartest person in the room & no one could ever convince me otherwise. It's a strange dichotomy & as the years have passed it is the depressed self which has taken control of my thoughts more & more - convincing me that I have no talent & telling me that the only "A" I'll ever deserve is a capital A for "average!" I'm sure that somewhere there is a happy medium, my true authentic self. To find her is my greatest desire.....my deepest wish.
At other times when my mood is elevated I feel as though I'm the smartest person in the room & no one could ever convince me otherwise. It's a strange dichotomy & as the years have passed it is the depressed self which has taken control of my thoughts more & more - convincing me that I have no talent & telling me that the only "A" I'll ever deserve is a capital A for "average!" I'm sure that somewhere there is a happy medium, my true authentic self. To find her is my greatest desire.....my deepest wish.
1 comment:
Yes bright girl, bright, bright...hoping you will find the sun in yourself more...fingers crossed, believing for you up here in the sunshine state (smiles thinking of you)!!!
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