OFF TO WORK WE GO

Back to work tomorrow - they have me on 2 days supernumerary which is nice (I don’t know if that’s more for me or for them!). It’s going to feel strange going back wondering just who knows that I've been on sick leave because I wanted to kill myself. Well, I’ve definitely done all I can to prepare myself for going back. It’ll be good to spend 8 hours straight not thinking of me for a change & being around people who have it way worse than I - worse than I can probably even imagine. I’m proud of being a nurse & I have come to realise that most of my dislike & frustration about the profession stems from the huge divide between what I ‘believe’ nursing should be & the ‘harsh reality’ of it all. But I just have to focus on being the best I can be & do the best I can with the resources available.

In the past when I have wanted to quit nursing I have often wondered what it was that I would rather be doing & I came up with nothing (besides creative writing - & precious few get to make a living out of that!). The problem in the past I think has been the fact that I have been ill, a lot of people with Bipolar are unable to work altogether. Hopefully that will never happen to me – otherwise I will get even more depressed. So I'm going to approach going back to work tomorrow as a fresh start with nursing - a new start with a new symptom free me. A person who now loves mornings - a person who can 'function' in the mornings. The psychiatrist states that I have responded to treatment in ‘text book’ fashion & with continued care I may never have a major depressive episode ever again – wouldn’t that be wonderful. But no more extra stressors – no more shifting from place to place, from job to job. I need routine, this thing…this Bipolar demands it!