You are probably wondering, 21 years of being suicidal on & off – why is she still alive. Well believe it or not it is actually quite difficult to kill yourself & as I have mentioned previously it can require quite a bit of planning & energy – two things that often are not at their optimum during a depressive state. With Bipolar you can get what is called a ‘mixed state’ where a person can be suicidal & agitated with energy to burn – this is why people with Bipolar disorder are at the highest risk of suicide out of all persons with a mental illness.
I am also absolutely petrified of stuffing it up. As a nurse I have taken care of a number of people who have suffered horrendous injuries as a result of a suicide attempt. The first was a paedophile who had gassed himself in his car; he was left in an irreversible vegetative state being feed through a PEG tube. The next was a man who had blown half his face off with a gun – also being feed through a PEG tube & awaiting placement in an aged care facility at the age of 43. Then there was the 22yr old who took an insulin overdose & as a result could only say a single word …over & over & over again. Then there are the burn victims who decide they want to go out in ‘blaze of glory’ or maybe they just hope that no traces will be left from their existence? The contractures; the compression garments; the skin grafts….. I think you get the picture. My husband, who works in the field of trauma & emergency, has also told me some horrific tales of failed suicide attempts. I’m fortunate that I do tend to deliberate over things, and by the time I’ve thought things through often the thoughts have passed – a little like how Bukowski puts it in his poem ‘off & on’ (the following post).
As is often quoted: ‘suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem’, but ‘suicide scars’ are daily reminders of a suicidal mind.
I am also absolutely petrified of stuffing it up. As a nurse I have taken care of a number of people who have suffered horrendous injuries as a result of a suicide attempt. The first was a paedophile who had gassed himself in his car; he was left in an irreversible vegetative state being feed through a PEG tube. The next was a man who had blown half his face off with a gun – also being feed through a PEG tube & awaiting placement in an aged care facility at the age of 43. Then there was the 22yr old who took an insulin overdose & as a result could only say a single word …over & over & over again. Then there are the burn victims who decide they want to go out in ‘blaze of glory’ or maybe they just hope that no traces will be left from their existence? The contractures; the compression garments; the skin grafts….. I think you get the picture. My husband, who works in the field of trauma & emergency, has also told me some horrific tales of failed suicide attempts. I’m fortunate that I do tend to deliberate over things, and by the time I’ve thought things through often the thoughts have passed – a little like how Bukowski puts it in his poem ‘off & on’ (the following post).
As is often quoted: ‘suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem’, but ‘suicide scars’ are daily reminders of a suicidal mind.
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