RED FACED

Yesterday I went for my usual morning walk around the busy streets & parks of South Yarra; upon my return home I looked in the mirror only to realise I had my jumper on not only inside out but back to front as well. How embarrassing. This got me to thinking about the most embarrassing moments in my life & I came up with a top 10. WARNING: content contains all sorts of bodily functions & fluids!

10. Mid 20’s - Falling down a carpeted set of stairs at a cinema on one of my first dates with my husband & worse still having a skirt on & tearing it open at the seams.

9. Late 20’s - After going to see a movie (alone) I then casually went browsing around the Salamanca markets in Hobart, only to later find that I had slobbered dark chocolate all down the front of me - it was even between my thighs!

8. Someone’s birthday party – I was about 17 yrs old & it was one of the only times I have ever gotten drunk. On the way home I had to stick my head out the window to be sick. My brother called me early the next day to come & clean all the purple chunks off the side of his car.

7. Late teens - in a kid’s playground (alone) swinging away on a swing at a busy beach in Redcliffe, I was so sure of myself that I decided to dismount with a mid air jump only to fall flat on my hands & knees in the dirt.

6. About 9 or 10 yrs old; lying in front of the TV watching Grizzly Adams or some such show; I let one rip – a huge big FART. I hear muffled giggles behind me; I sit there frozen & then slowly turn my head around to see a couple of my brother’s friends on the couch. They had crept in the lounge room & I hadn’t even noticed.

5. Early teens - doing aerobics in my parent’s bedroom, all dressed up in a leotard & leg warmers just like Jennifer Beals in Flashdance. I hear a burst of laughter over the music; I hit the lights & crawl to the window only to find a group of my brother’s friends peering in at me through a gap in the blinds.

4. When I was a teenager I, like many my age, had the odd pimple & I used to use zit cream in blobs on my face – believing that the more you put on the more effective it would be. My brothers called it my “diba-daba-do”. One day (in my late teens) I went down to the grocery store to get some stuff for mum. When I got home I realised that I’d forgotten to take my “diba-daba-do” off & I had just been down at the shops with these big bits of Norman Gunston looking white spots plastered all over my face!

3. My early 20’s - on a road trip to nowhere & no toilet to be found. I needed to do a number 2, I was in the bushes & it was dark. After I had finished I thought I’d better cover it up so nobody would step in it and low & behold I turn around & step in it! I stepped in my own excrement!!

2. After I'd just turned twelve I got my first period. I remember it very clearly as I had rode my pushbike up to the shopping centre at Kippa Ring to go look at the pets in the pet store. As I was crouched down petting a puppy a lady came along and tapped me on the shoulder “sweetie” she whispered, “Do you realise that you’ve got your periods”. I raced home as fast as I could in a mess of tears.

1. Early 30’s I was at a Greek Health Promotion function for work. An elderly gentleman who looked familiar came up & said hello to me by name. I was trying to rack my brain for his name when I remembered that I had nursed his wife. So afterwards when we were all enjoying some Greek looking food I approached him again & asked “so how’s your wife going?” to which he looked at me sternly & replied “she’s dead.......you were there remember!”