YESTERDAY

Well I had my visit with the psychiatrist yesterday & things didn’t quite go as planned. My medication has been increased yet again & I have to go back & see him in 2 weeks. Apparently I’m still showing some signs of major depression, along with dissociation & depersonalisation. Here I was, I wanted to get “over myself” & move forward & I’m yet again forced to do more navel gazing. Deep down I know he’s right, over the last two weeks I’ve been starting to doubt myself again, and experiencing feelings of excessive guilt & negativity. I’ve been starting to hate everyone & everything again, including myself.

“Maybe down the track we can cut down on some of these medications” I distinctly recall the psychiatrist saying that to me once – that was about 3 dose increases ago! You have to laugh, what else can you do? Sometimes I feel like just asking “okay, so how much will it cost to stick me in hospital for a couple of weeks & give me ECT”? I can just see me now, like my fictitious friend Randle Patrick McMurphy in the closing chapter of Ken Kesey’s One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, sitting there silent with my brains scrambled.

"We’ll get there Sue” he says as I’m standing at the counter paying the exorbitant psychiatric fees, “Yes doctor… we’ll get there” I reply......“We’ll get there”.