DOUBT

I went and saw the film Doubt today & let’s just say it’s left a pretty big impression. I can’t quite recall the last time I identified so much with a character as that of Sister Aloysius played by Meryl Streep. I wont give too much of the film away only to say that Sister Aloysius, the school principal, suspects the parish priest Father Flynn of inappropriate conduct with one of the school students. It is never quite established whether or not he is guilty, hence the title “Doubt.” Sister Aloysius approaches the Monsignor with her suspicions only for him to dismiss her & instead transfers Father Flynn to another school & promotes him in the process. The film ends with Sister Aloysius, who has thus far been portrayed as being of strong moral character & steadfast conviction, questioning herself & proclaiming her “doubts” to Sister James. It is left open to interpretation as to whether these doubts are about Father Flynn – has he committed no crime & she has therefore persecuted an innocent man? Or is he guilty & has now moved on to yet another school where he can continue to abuse young children? Or maybe she is questioning the very essence of her own personal faith in God?

Like Sister Aloysius I am a person of very strong moral convictions - to the extent that my psychiatrist believes they may well lie at the root of my depressive episodes. My approach to life is often deontological in nature, a series of obligations & duties which I am bound to regardless of the consequences – unfortunately I ascribe these rules to those around me also. I lost one of my closest & dearest friends due to this when I reported her for receiving single parent benefits when her partner was living with her & reported him for rorting child support payments. Shocking I know; I justified my actions by believing I was doing it for the honest tax payer & that what they were doing was fundamentally wrong…. but was what I did any better? I have even isolated myself from members of my own family by accusing them of nepotism & by claiming that if I find out one more time that they are pirating movies or doing “cash in hand” jobs I will notify the respective authorities. There was even an instance when a friend of mine who is a primary school teacher told me of how he, along with his male colleagues, discuss the attractiveness of female students - I couldn't sleep that night & even now I can't see him or think of him without recalling this conversation. What is wrong with me? Why am I so sanctimonious & self righteous? Most people just turn a blind eye & let sleeping dogs lie. Maybe it’s because I’m a nurse & have had to report such acts as child abuse & elder abuse, I don’t know – even now deep down I believe what I did was right…..how it's all black & white, just like a nuns habit.