WHAT ABOUT ME?

I’ve just been talking to a dear friend of mine from Tasmania. Earlier this year she was diagnosed with some rare blood disorder – I can’t remember its name (terrible for a nurse I know); it’s some type of pre-leukemic blood dyscrasia. She has managed to get back to work 2 days a week despite being on oral cytotoxic medication. Why can’t I just be happy for her….that she’s doing well, the first thing I did was compare myself & my own inability to successfully return to the workforce, me…me….ME!

No, I really am genuinely happy for her, plus they’re two entirely different conditions. To be honest I haven’t even been thinking about the whole bipolar thing much lately, which I think is a positive step. At first it was nearly all I could think about. I did a SEEK search online for local nursing jobs – 554 results & some of them were listings for multiple positions. The job I was interested in at the radiotherapy centre had no date that the applications had to be in by so I rang up to enquire – the lady on the phone laughed as though I'd said something funny, stating that it was open ended as they “always need more nurses”. So in short, I don’t think I’ll have trouble getting a job but the trouble is in knowing when I’m ready to return, & that I won’t crumble at the first sign of stress. I know I sound like a whinger & I am but believe it or not nursing can get pretty darn stressful, I’ve been spat at, pissed on & slapped around. It could be worse; at least I’ve never been stabbed with a pair of scissors like my husband or locked away in a cupboard for 2 hours like an old colleague of mine was. People can get shithouse crazy when they’re sick.

ANNIE (a true story)

I got a new doll named Annie
On Christmas of `78
She went everywhere with me
She became my closest mate

Soon it would be my fourth birthday
I’d get more dresses for her to keep
She had eyes of blue to match her shoes
That closed when she went to sleep

I had a cradle right beside my bed
So I could keep watch while she slept
I was a good mother just like my mum
& held her when she wept

She had long blond hair prone to knots
& would cry when a comb came near
One morning I woke & picked Annie up
From her slumber in the cradle near

But Annie’s eye - it would not open
I tried to wake her up to play
I asked her why her eye was closed
But she kept looking at me that way

Dad told me he’d fix it – ‘Just like brand new’,
‘So don’t you worry your pretty head’
I left Annie with dad rest assured
That he would fix her as he’d said

And so he did, her eye was fine
We played all day till we dropped
I said goodnight with a smile but
When I laid her down I stopped

Annie couldn’t go to sleep at all
As her eye wide open it stared –
I tried to shut it but it would not budge,
Not a flicker of movement was faired

“Daddy, Daddy, what have you done”?
“You’ve made things even worse!”
I ran into his arms with Annie
Hoping he could lift the curse

To which he replied that he’d tried
But that he’d had no luck
So he thought he’d “use some glue”
And now her eye was stuck!

I didn’t want to play with Annie anymore,
Something it wasn’t quite right
You can’t sleep with one eye open
You can’t wake with an eye shut tight

But before I said goodbye to Annie
She talked to me of how she felt,
How it was to see through her eyes
& the misfortune she’d been dealt

She told me of how she’d come undone,
How daddy had stuck her together with glue
& that someday it might just happen to me;
- That all things old were once brand new

So we parted ways Annie & I
The next day she went out in the bin
I went to sleep that night an innocent
And woke up in a world of sin

CUSTARD APPLES

When I see custard apples, which is pretty rarely, I always think of playing hide & seek. One weekend I was playing hide & seek with a childhood friend, Anthony. His grandparents lived next door to me & they had a custard apple tree in their backyard. Whilst I was hiding in the garage Anthony’s parents came out, stood under the tree & started talking. They were talking about divorce & how they were going to tell Anthony - how they were going to tell his grandparents. I felt like such an intruder. Me, a 7 year old kid from next door, heard the news before anyone.

Anthony finally found me, I didn’t tell him about what I overheard…I kept it to myself.

STRAWBERRIES

I’ve never understood why people put strawberries in the fridge or put them with ice cream – they taste best warm, freshly picked under the warm sun. The home I grew up in had a strawberry patch. They always remind me of lizards, my brothers & I were always catching lizards. From skinks to frill-necks & blue tongues – my eldest brother had a frill neck as a pet, it went everywhere with him, just sitting on his shoulder. A kid from the school nearby ran him over with his push bike one day & killed him……….my brother cried for days.