“Is there anything you feel particularly guilty about?” he asks as he leans in to the table
“Yeah, plenty….but that’s just me”
“What do you mean plenty?”
“I don’t know, plenty….do you want specifics?”
“Yes”
There’s a long silence before a reply “I can’t think of any right now”
He scribbles something down in the file. “So what happened when you tried to go back to work?”
“I can’t explain it; I was just on the verge of tears the whole time”
“Why do you think that was?”
“Cause it’s all just so cruel”
“What is?”
“Death….dying”
“Is that what you’re thinking about when you are at work – death?”
“Well yeah, it’s pretty hard not to when you’re looking after people who are dying”
“Why is it cruel?”
“Because it just is; the pain, not just the physical pain but the total pain & the lack of control”
“Does it make you think about your own death?”
“Sure, you can’t help but think of it”
“Are you afraid of not being in control when you die?”
“Definitely”
“And when do you think that might be?”
“I don’t know…. when it all gets too much”
“There’s no set age, no set parameters?”
“No I’ll decide when I get there I suppose”
“Do you think you will end your life by suicide?”
“Yeah…it’s just something I know…..I’ve always known it”.
“Yeah, plenty….but that’s just me”
“What do you mean plenty?”
“I don’t know, plenty….do you want specifics?”
“Yes”
There’s a long silence before a reply “I can’t think of any right now”
He scribbles something down in the file. “So what happened when you tried to go back to work?”
“I can’t explain it; I was just on the verge of tears the whole time”
“Why do you think that was?”
“Cause it’s all just so cruel”
“What is?”
“Death….dying”
“Is that what you’re thinking about when you are at work – death?”
“Well yeah, it’s pretty hard not to when you’re looking after people who are dying”
“Why is it cruel?”
“Because it just is; the pain, not just the physical pain but the total pain & the lack of control”
“Does it make you think about your own death?”
“Sure, you can’t help but think of it”
“Are you afraid of not being in control when you die?”
“Definitely”
“And when do you think that might be?”
“I don’t know…. when it all gets too much”
“There’s no set age, no set parameters?”
“No I’ll decide when I get there I suppose”
“Do you think you will end your life by suicide?”
“Yeah…it’s just something I know…..I’ve always known it”.
4 comments:
His questions were very specific - he just wanted to know if you would say yes to suicide. This makes me a little angry. It is like he has a little book with just y/n questions to determine what course he will take with you. Life is a funny thing - sometimes I think we are here with great spiritual intent, other days I just feel like I am nothing more than a AA battery given only a certain amount of energy and well that's it - unless the doctors come in with their equipment to prolong things...which is what you see Sue...this is not so 'natural' and it makes sense to me the anguish you feel when trying to make the last days of patients lives comfortable when perhaps the hand of life was ready to take them much sooner. Keep listening to your heart & mind - I really believe there are untapped tools given to us all to get us through this sometimes oh so painful journey. Remembering what we love and carving out our own space in this world is invaluable also - keep doing it.
Does he read your blog? If he doesn't, he really should.
One of the key things you wrote a few posts ago was that you wanted to believe in life again - in the natural order of things (to that affect). What a tremendous insight. I do hope that this is what you find.
I am no longer afraid of death after that experience I had of dying/dreaming I was dying?? I just felt this incredible warmth and light - oh it was truly amazing/glorious.
But palliative care is not these things.
One thing I know so true of you Sue is your empathy. It reaches to the heavens and back again! Your patients pain you feel...and more.
And this is you - how you will always be - one of your most amazing qualities.
It is time to look after you and not be in an environment of so much pain and suffering - which you have removed yourself from. Try not to feel guilty about this, it is ok.
Keep healing - for you are healing & then carve out that place I wrote about earlier just for Sue, just right (write) for Sue.
The psychiatrist is actually very good, he's helped me a lot. He doesn't judge me, he truly wants me to get better - but, as Mervin said, "what if this is as good as it gets"?
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