NOW

On the recommendation of a friend I am currently reading "The Power of NOW" by Eckhart Tolle, talk about a tough read. I am beginning to realize that I am in a constant flux of either wallowing in the past or anticipating the future and rarely do I just exist in the moment - in the here & now.

As a nurse I help a young lady with EB - a condition which has left her disfigured and with major physical limitations. Because she asked, I disclosed to her my personal struggle with Bipolar - and I was amazed to hear that she has never gotten down & depressed, that she views life and every moment as a gift. In that moment I wished I could trade places with her.

This book offers hope of release from my burden of depression - teaching that positive ways of thinking & a commitment to the now is a choice that can be learnt & practiced until it becomes habitual. I'll keep you posted with how I go.

BLUE

I hate to say it but I'm on another downer.....I'm not quite in the depths of despair but have been sleeping 20 out of 24 hours & have little interest in anything. Today I ventured outside for the first time in 3 days which was a huge effort & I'm planning on going to work tomorrow! I'm on the highest dosage of my NSRI so the plan is to go into hospital early next month to go off it & onto another medication.

My dear husband got short with me for the first time today - it was bound to happen sooner or later. I'm just so fed up with it all....I don't want to sound like a victim here, but I feel like one. Lately I've been trying to focus on my spiritual health (as it was poorly lacking & frightfully neglected), I thought I was onto something......but perhaps not. I don't feel sorry for myself ........really I don't - I feel more sorry for my husband, my family, my employer & colleagues, & dare I say it.....my psychiatrist!

DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL

Although the expression would not come into being till the 16th century, I cannot help but think of the garden of Gethsemane as Christ's "Dark night of the soul," - his moment of deep spiritual anguish.

Upon a darkened night

the flame of love was burning in my breast

And by a lantern bright

I fled my house while all in quiet rest
Shrouded by the night

and by the secret stair I quickly fled

The veil concealed my eyes

while all within lay quiet as the dead

Oh night thou was my guide

oh night more loving than the rising sun

Oh night that joined the lover

to the beloved one

transforming each of them into the other

Upon that misty night

in secrecy, beyond such mortal sight

Without a guide or light

than that which burned so deeply in my heart

That fire t'was led me on

and shone more bright than of the midday sun

To where he waited still

it was a place where no one else could come

Within my pounding heart

which kept itself entirely for him

He fell into his sleep

beneath the cedars all my love I gave

And by the fortress walls

the wind would brush his hair against his brow

And with its smoothest hand

caressed my every sense it would allow

I lost myself to him

and laid my face upon my lovers breast

And care and grief grew dim

as in the mornings mist became the light

There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair

There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair

There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair

Lyric St John of the Cross

Youtube link Loreena McKennitt: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcVaEA0009Q

GETHSEMANE

Jesus went out as usual to the Mount of Olives, and his disciples followed him. On reaching the place, he said to them, "Pray that you will not fall into temptation." He withdrew about a stone's throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will but yours be done." An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.

When he rose from prayer and went back to the disciples, he found them asleep, exhausted from sorrow. "Why are you sleeping?" he asked them. "Get up and pray so that you do not fall into temptation." LUKE 22:39-46