CHANGE

I sense something has changed in me, and I can't seem to put my finger on exactly what it is. I have grown up in this world fiercely protected by old fashioned parents and 3 older brothers, any danger that has come my way I have placed there, seeking it out like an adventurer. Part of me has always been held back though, as if it's waiting in anticipation for my real life to start - well guess what? this is it.....welcome to your life! It may be due to my recently developed dedication to "living in the now" or it may be that I'm finally growing up - that I'm finally accepting my place, my vocation. It's strange but I never realised how important being a nurse was to me till I had it taken away & threatened by illness. And I am only just now acknowledging the gravity and weight of our decision not to have children - my decision not to have children (as my husband has a 12 year old daughter from a previous relationship). It's a huge decision. To a certain extent I have always pitied people who get into old age & have no children of their own, I have to accept that I will one day be one of them, if I live long enough. It's not like I am reconsidering my decision, because I'm not - We are both far too set in our ways & selfish to have a child, and considering both of my illnesses are hereditary I believe it is best for me not to procreate. But I will treasure & cherish the people I have in my life, and for the first time I think this will include myself.