I saw the psychiatrist today, and it was aptly noted that I had slid "backwards" so to speak, perhaps "downwards" is a more appropriate descriptor, since our last meeting. Late last week I had an attack of dread in the early hours of the morning & all my confidence, my sense of worth, was shaken to the core. The doctor believes it is due to starting work again & if I'm honest with myself I'd have to agree with him. Today the psychiatrist asked me what I dislike most about nursing - & I responded with the usual grievances of regimentation & a general lack of caring by other health care workers, but he didn't quite believe me.....& then I started to sob (yet again) & I said "maybe it's all the death.....the decay". And it was out there - that word "DECAY" - the moment it was out I knew I shouldn't have said it, it opened up a plethora of psychological insights. And so the doctor & I had yet another discussion about my existential dilemma - he must get so tired of listening to me. So my SNRI has been increased yet again & I now have to consider a life without nursing. I have to give this new job a fair go first though, but if I can't do it - I can't do it.
Besides the nursing, I've also been feeling somewhat dejected due to......wait for it......Facebook. I knew on the outset that I should not have even signed up & now I wish I hadn't. Facebook is completely and utterly impersonable; the chat function being the only facet that has any merit. The only problem is it's addictive, I did make contact with a dear old friend & we were chatting on a regular basis then one day she just stopped. Now I spend an hour or two each night waiting for her to come on line....stupid I know. Then there was another friend who I began to confide in & then they said they "had to go" & dropped out suddenly - if these conversations were conducted in person or over the phone there is no way these things would happen. Yes, I know I'm being too sensitive & perhaps even a little selfish too but I'm just expressing how I feel....is that okay?
4 comments:
finally had a moment to pop in on you - pretty much just been myself at my work the last two weeks...been pulling long hours.
I am amazed by the deeper effects and affects of being in an environment that we don't like.
It is certainly a moment of note for you re feelings about decay + a pattern has been tracked showing the correlation between returning to nursing and your mood.
I know how much of yourself you pour into your nursing and how unwilling you would be to become completely unemotionally attached to your role (which it would almost take for you to stay in nursing) as the caring aspect (I would expect) drives you as a person and drives you in your every action when you are at work - I most certainly know it does outside of your work.
Nursing has been so much more than just a career for you.
You are amazing.
Thinking of you often.
Lots of love,
xx
Thanks for your kind words Jan, things have been okay over the last few days (they've been days off though). I suspect that a great deal of my confidence has been lost purely by being out of the workforce. I hope for good things Jan....for me & for you. Love, Sue
Calm down a bit man, Facebook is a four or five day thing. People have things to do. My girlfriend was like you and that is why we broke up.
i agree Grant, definitely wasn't me at my best. Thanks for your honesty.
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