I have known for sometime now that there was something wrong with me, something more than just depression. But until now I have never been quite honest with health care professionals, especially since I am one myself. I feared the consequences – the label. It’s strange, but now I have to reconsider a lot of things in my life & place them within the context of a mental illness. The visions….the senses, the odd behaviours. One such behaviour I remember doing in my late teens to early twenties was driving alone in my car at night - I would drive till the car ran out of petrol. I don’t know why I did this; I just liked the feeling that it gave me when the fuel gauge light came on. If it wasn’t for my parents I would have lost my license in my teens as my mother claimed liability for a red light I ran & also for a speeding fine – highly illegal I know & looking back now, unconscionable. I would also often drive up to Maleny which is an hour from home & pick up hitchhikers.
It was during this time I also became fervently religious, I had taken the overt sexuality that I had displayed as a 16-18year old & become totally devout. I would cry myself to sleep at night as atonement for my past sins – crying out to God for forgiveness. In retrospect my guilt was quite inappropriate & I punished myself for a period of seven years. I would dress modestly & was celibate for the duration of those years. I had small episodes of energy fuelled “lapses”, when I would go out to clubs, smoke & drink, and have the odd bit of marijuana. I would then proceed to punish myself for weeks. I would go through periods where I would dress like a boy in overalls & boots. I would go for years without a hair cut & then on a whim crop it all off. I had episodes where I would go from being entirely egotistical, believing I was “the most beautiful”, “most insightful” person on the planet to feeling “ugly” and “provincial” – “a mere insignificant speck, in a small insignificant world” – there were times when I would even hit into myself about the head.
If anyone is out there & this sounds all too familiar, please confide in someone. It doesn’t get any better – you don’t grow out of it. You are ill & you need help.
It was during this time I also became fervently religious, I had taken the overt sexuality that I had displayed as a 16-18year old & become totally devout. I would cry myself to sleep at night as atonement for my past sins – crying out to God for forgiveness. In retrospect my guilt was quite inappropriate & I punished myself for a period of seven years. I would dress modestly & was celibate for the duration of those years. I had small episodes of energy fuelled “lapses”, when I would go out to clubs, smoke & drink, and have the odd bit of marijuana. I would then proceed to punish myself for weeks. I would go through periods where I would dress like a boy in overalls & boots. I would go for years without a hair cut & then on a whim crop it all off. I had episodes where I would go from being entirely egotistical, believing I was “the most beautiful”, “most insightful” person on the planet to feeling “ugly” and “provincial” – “a mere insignificant speck, in a small insignificant world” – there were times when I would even hit into myself about the head.
If anyone is out there & this sounds all too familiar, please confide in someone. It doesn’t get any better – you don’t grow out of it. You are ill & you need help.
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