Its 2:30 in the morning & I’m wide awake – the birds aren’t even up yet! I can’t sleep, I must have scratched my cornea when I took my contact lenses out last night & now it’s irritating the hell out of me. I’ve just been reading a blog written by a person with similar mental health issues as myself. It’s sad to hear that there are others going through the same dreadful circumstances but it’s also strangely comforting to know you’re not alone.
The top layer of skin on my lips is off again – I’m agitated. I don’t feel suicidal but I know it’s something that lies just under the surface. I’ve been a little concerned lately as my husband is going to Cairns in two weeks time for work; he’ll be gone for 4 days. It’s a horrible feeling when the person you have to be most scared of may well be yourself. I’m just so disappointed about my failed attempt at returning to work. But lets face it the last thing palliative patients need is a nurse who’s on the verge of tears all the time & believes that PRN ‘pillow treatment’ should be written up on their drug charts. I just get the guilts about not working & about my illness eating away at our savings. I’m so lucky that I have such a supportive husband – he may not be able to understand me but he does his best to try.
I haven’t been able to get in to see my psychiatrist yet, I have his mobile number for emergencies but I’m reluctant to use it. I don’t know whether to just start taking a higher dose of my SNRI until I see him or what. At the moment I’m needing to take the PRN valium that he gave me for increased agitation. Tomorrow it will be seven weeks since my last major ‘breakdown’, I know that I’ve come a long way since then but if I’m honest with myself I also know that I’m far from being ‘well’. What I’d be like without all the medication is anyone’s guess but I’m not about to stop them to find out.
I’m going to try my best to get back to sleep now, I’ll lay in bed & do my progressive muscle relaxation & breathing techniques, count sheep……anything to keep myself from thinking.
The top layer of skin on my lips is off again – I’m agitated. I don’t feel suicidal but I know it’s something that lies just under the surface. I’ve been a little concerned lately as my husband is going to Cairns in two weeks time for work; he’ll be gone for 4 days. It’s a horrible feeling when the person you have to be most scared of may well be yourself. I’m just so disappointed about my failed attempt at returning to work. But lets face it the last thing palliative patients need is a nurse who’s on the verge of tears all the time & believes that PRN ‘pillow treatment’ should be written up on their drug charts. I just get the guilts about not working & about my illness eating away at our savings. I’m so lucky that I have such a supportive husband – he may not be able to understand me but he does his best to try.
I haven’t been able to get in to see my psychiatrist yet, I have his mobile number for emergencies but I’m reluctant to use it. I don’t know whether to just start taking a higher dose of my SNRI until I see him or what. At the moment I’m needing to take the PRN valium that he gave me for increased agitation. Tomorrow it will be seven weeks since my last major ‘breakdown’, I know that I’ve come a long way since then but if I’m honest with myself I also know that I’m far from being ‘well’. What I’d be like without all the medication is anyone’s guess but I’m not about to stop them to find out.
I’m going to try my best to get back to sleep now, I’ll lay in bed & do my progressive muscle relaxation & breathing techniques, count sheep……anything to keep myself from thinking.
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