RAGE

There are facets to my personality which are inextricably linked to my Bipolar, some of which I hope & pray wont change. One that I do hope will change is my anger. I can become a very angry person, I often keep the rage inside until I am safe behind closed doors & then let it out. Some people I know would be quite shocked to know I have rage issues but my family & my husband know it all too well. For instance, I have put my fist through a wall; drove an iron through a wall; & have speeding infringements in 3 states.

I can become quite nasty at times, this is usually when something happens to mess up my ordered & structured world. I am obsessive; everything in my life has its place - its compartment & God forbid anyone who comes in & messes with it. I am getting worse as I get older, to the point where I will stay behind at work to "clean & tidy things up" cause the cleaners don't do a good enough job. When I was a community nurse I found myself becoming physically ill if I entered a patients house that was unclean or untidy. I also clean our apartment thoroughly twice a week...& I mean thoroughly. I cannot sit down & relax until everything is in its rightful place. If I go out to a restaurant I am constantly looking around to assess the hygiene of the place. When I read anything I obsess over spelling & grammar & have to be 10 minutes early for everything. I have a five year plan - & it's detailed, I make daily task lists & they're even more detailed. It's almost as if I am trying to compensate for the chaos going on inside my head - the racing, disorganised thoughts.

Personally, I like being clean; tidy & punctual but I have no right to punish those who choose not live their lives in the same manner. As my husband would kindly remind me - "people are different".