CONNECTIONS

On tuesday, two days before my mother-in-law's death, I had my review with the psychiatrist. I spent the entire appointment on the verge of tears for no apparent reason, and as a result my medications have been increased slightly. he is also talking of changing my medication altogether - something that would require time off work & possibly hospitalisation.

It's strange, the week leading up to Vilai's death I felt dreadful, I was depressed, teary & kept getting the constant sensation that someone was walking all over my grave. Was this some sort of premonition? I don't know. I have been described as being an empath. I recall one instance when I was a teenager, I was shopping in the Brisbane Valley and this strange small woman stopped me & commented on my large forehead - "you're a communicator" she said reaching up to touch my face "you're stuck between this world & the next." I have never forgotten this encounter - what possess a stranger to walk up & say such things?

I sense that deep down we are all connected,

I know not how but we are.

By a tie that binds

you to me

& me to you.

In some strange way

by some strange force

out on the edge of the ether

HERE AT LAST

You know I can't help but feel just a little let down by the medical system, especially when I fiercely defend it (perhaps because I'm a nurse). The last year and a half of my life has been nothing short of a living hell & it's taken even longer than that to get to where I stand right now - with a definitive diagnosis. Even prior to the aerophagia, the heightened anxiety, the rapid cycling of emotions - if I really look at it, It's been slowly getting out of control for the last six years, & getting worse & worse with each passing year. The GP's - getting bloods done, but testing for the wrong things, & so quick to send me to a psychologist rather than a psychiatrist. The psychologists - so readily laying the blame on behavioural aspects of my personality & not really listening to me when I said that when I was well I didn't really have any behavioural problems. I wasted so much money going to see psychologists & got absolutely nothing out of it - nothing! I'm not saying they don't have a place, but they don't for psychiatric illnesses like bipolar. The last psychologist I went to had me diagnosed with general anxiety disorder & depression - when in truth I was rapidly cycling between mania & depression! It's sad to think that if I didn't become violently suicidal that day I'd probably be still back there, suffering. And thank goodness I didn't kill myself.....thank goodness.