MERRY CHRISTMAS

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Happy endings

Anyone who knows me or has followed this blog would know that this year has been quite a dreadful one. But I'm happy to say that I am know feeling quite good. I have been back at work now for almost a month & I'm actually enjoying it. For once in a long time I feel I can make plans for the future......I feel I actually have a future. It feels good. I've come to life.

BUTTERFLIES

I almost wish we were butterflies and liv'd but three summer days - three such days with you I could fill with more delight than fifty common years could ever contain.

- John Keats -

Is that okay?

I saw the psychiatrist today, and it was aptly noted that I had slid "backwards" so to speak, perhaps "downwards" is a more appropriate descriptor, since our last meeting. Late last week I had an attack of dread in the early hours of the morning & all my confidence, my sense of worth, was shaken to the core. The doctor believes it is due to starting work again & if I'm honest with myself I'd have to agree with him. Today the psychiatrist asked me what I dislike most about nursing - & I responded with the usual grievances of regimentation & a general lack of caring by other health care workers, but he didn't quite believe me.....& then I started to sob (yet again) & I said "maybe it's all the death.....the decay". And it was out there - that word "DECAY" - the moment it was out I knew I shouldn't have said it, it opened up a plethora of psychological insights. And so the doctor & I had yet another discussion about my existential dilemma - he must get so tired of listening to me. So my SNRI has been increased yet again & I now have to consider a life without nursing. I have to give this new job a fair go first though, but if I can't do it - I can't do it.

Besides the nursing, I've also been feeling somewhat dejected due to......wait for it......Facebook. I knew on the outset that I should not have even signed up & now I wish I hadn't. Facebook is completely and utterly impersonable; the chat function being the only facet that has any merit. The only problem is it's addictive, I did make contact with a dear old friend & we were chatting on a regular basis then one day she just stopped. Now I spend an hour or two each night waiting for her to come on line....stupid I know. Then there was another friend who I began to confide in & then they said they "had to go" & dropped out suddenly - if these conversations were conducted in person or over the phone there is no way these things would happen. Yes, I know I'm being too sensitive & perhaps even a little selfish too but I'm just expressing how I feel....is that okay?