TODAY'S TREASURE

Eating a banana with peanut butter for the first time......YUMMY!! Don't knock it till you try it.

HERE AT LAST

You know I can't help but feel just a little let down by the medical system, especially when I fiercely defend it (perhaps because I'm a nurse). The last year and a half of my life has been nothing short of a living hell & it's taken even longer than that to get to where I stand right now - with a definitive diagnosis. Even prior to the aerophagia, the heightened anxiety, the rapid cycling of emotions - if I really look at it, It's been slowly getting out of control for the last six years, & getting worse & worse with each passing year. The GP's - getting bloods done, but testing for the wrong things, & so quick to send me to a psychologist rather than a psychiatrist. The psychologists - so readily laying the blame on behavioural aspects of my personality & not really listening to me when I said that when I was well I didn't really have any behavioural problems. I wasted so much money going to see psychologists & got absolutely nothing out of it - nothing! I'm not saying they don't have a place, but they don't for psychiatric illnesses like bipolar. The last psychologist I went to had me diagnosed with general anxiety disorder & depression - when in truth I was rapidly cycling between mania & depression! It's sad to think that if I didn't become violently suicidal that day I'd probably be still back there, suffering. And thank goodness I didn't kill myself.....thank goodness.

TODAY'S TREASURE

Watching "Moliere" on DVD - a pleasant surprise & I adore Romain Duris, he makes me want to speak in French - well count to ten in French at least!

THE RESEARCH

I got up early this morning & started searching the internet for information about this Hashimoto's thyroiditis - I put in Bipolar and Thyroid & got approximately 1.4 million results, and yes, according to the research, there does seem to be a link between the two.

links: http://thyroid.about.com/b/2005/06/16/bipolar-disorder-linked-to-thyroid-disease.htm

http://news.bio-medicine.org/biology-news-3/Research-zeros-in-on-bipolar-disorder-genes--link-with-thyroid-condition-11312-1/

TODAY'S TREASURE

My psychiatrist almost doing a song & dance at our appointment today, saying "you think you're feeling well now Sue, just wait till we get this (the Hashimoto's) properly treated!". I was less enthusiastic, replying "I'll believe it when I feel it." But I must admit I'm overjoyed to finally know what is wrong with me.

RESULTS

Well there is a new label & it's called "Hashimoto's Thyroididts" - a bit of a mouthful, aptly named after the Japanese doctor who discovered it no less. It's an autoimmune disease, my results were pretty scary - lets just say my Antithyroid antibodies were 962 when they are supposed to be below 6! It's all new to me, I'd heard of it before but knew nothing about it even though it's supposedly one of the major causes of hypothyroidism. It's apparently a bit of a battlefield between psychiatry & medicine too, with endocrinologists believing a lot of people have been misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder and/or anxiety disorders when what they really have is Hashimoto's. I don't really care - it's all just labels for a series of symptoms isn't it. I have to admit though that the thought of having a "medical" rather than "psychiatric" illness is appealing - my psychiatrist just believes that bipolar & thyroid problems are inextricably linked somehow & they don't really know why. Well I'm off to see another specialist on Thursday - we'll see what he has to say, Oh, and I might have to have some tests done on my heart to check that there is no problems but I'm pretty sure it's okay, apparently the Hashimoto's can cause heart failure when left untreated - lovely!

IN GOOD HANDS

I have a review this afternoon. I can't really explain how I am feeling at the moment, over the last couple of days I have been quiet...withdrawn. There is something about medical reviews that make me feel infantile & helpless, maybe it is all part of 'sick role' behaviour? Will there be any more labels ascribed to me today I wonder? I Guess I'll just have to wait and see.

TODAY'S TREASURE

Finding a perpermint Freddo that I had forgotten all about at the bottom of my bag - YUM!

TODAY'S TREASURE

Finally standing at the front door of my apartment after having to climb 5 flights of stairs cause the bloody elevator is out of order - AGAIN!

HERE & NOW

I've tried to retrace my steps to exactly when it started....when I really started to lose grip & spiral into what my psychiatrist aptly terms my "burnout". I can probably link it back to when I started to lose faith in God, not only faith but belief in general. I have just finished reading my first book on Buddhism & all I can ask myself is "what drove you to choose that book to read in the first place?". What, am I now going to take up Buddhism? - I don't think so. It's all just the same really isn't it, the promises of immortality, of sense of purpose, the sugar-coating of one's death, the exchange of the corporeal for answers from the "great beyond" . I know that my spiritual life is lacking & needs a lot of restoration, but this need not mean I have to adopt beliefs & practices that I simply don't believe in. I have to laugh when people comment "If you felt so much better when you were a Christian then why don't you start going to church again, and start praying again" - as if it's that simple, I wish it were.

What if all we have is here and now, & there are no second chances....that this is it! would that really be so bad? ........well, would it?

TODAY'S TREASURE

A few days ago I purchased some coke from a kebab store, upon drinking some it tasted flat & I realised it was almost two years out of date. Anyways, today I went to the local bakery to grab some bread, my husband also wanted a pie & a bottle of coke "I hear 2005 was a good year!" he exclaimed..... smart arse.

TO THE SEA

Just two weeks and my niece Samantha will be here. One of the things I'm looking forward to the most is hiring out a car & heading out to the Great Ocean Road, it will be great just to get some sea air on my face & some sand between my toes. July next year I'm going on a road trip across the Nullarbor with two friends in a winnebago - now that will be an adventure!

TODAY'S TREASURE

Wrapping up Christmas gifts for my nieces & nephew & getting them ready to post off to Queensland.

THE VALKYRIE

I can see them now
Approaching on their chariots
They ride into war
The Valkyrie,
Ready to administer their mark upon men
Odin’s charges,
Warrior maidens of light
Tell me, who will fight alongside the great god?
Who will see the battle at the end of the world?
She beckons me now,
Freyja, the mighty mistress of the slain
She crowns me victorious
She takes my armour
Retains my sword
And guides me onwards to Asgard

TODAY'S TREASURE

Talking to my 13 year old nephew on the phone & upon noting that his voice had broken he replied "Yeah, my nads have finally dropped" - I laughed so hard it hurt.

IN OVER MY HEAD

I am reading my first ever book on Buddhism, at nearly 35 years of age I now how belated this must seem, I blame it on my Baptist upbringing - better late than never I suppose. I am reading a book by Norman Fischer called "Taking our places: the Buddhist path to truly growing up." I'm really enjoying it, the part I'm confused about though is how you are encouraged to become at "one" with nature...at "one" with the "universe" - I have experienced this many times, and it is one of the main reasons why I abstain from meat & animal products, but I have been led to believe that this is delusional thinking & is part of my bipolar illness. I still have these experiences even though I'm medicated so what does that mean? I don't know, maybe I should just keep searching for answers, maybe I should talk to my mother-in-law (she heads a Thai meditation centre in Townsville) - problem is I can hardly understand a bloody word she says & she sounds like she's singing half the time - I love her dearly though...I do, well as much as you can love a mother-in-law.

TODAY'S TREASURE

Having a nana nap with my husband in the late afternoon.

LIES

I lie sometimes, I don’t know why but I do. I fibbed just yesterday, it came out so easily & before it even registered I had created a bit fat lie. One of my favourite quotes is from Henry David Thoreau: Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth. I try so hard to live by this but so often the later gets sacrificed on account of the former. It would be so easy to just say truth is relative, that there is no absolute moral truth, but I don’t believe it….that’s a cop-out – a coward’s philosophy. The great Keats poem Ode on a Grecian urn closes with the line “Truth is beauty, beauty is truth,” that is all ye know on earth & all ye need to know, T.S. Elliot once said that these lines were a blight on an otherwise beautiful poem & when I think about it I am apt to agree with him. Not only can beauty be fleeting, but it can mesmerise us into believing anything. But who really knows in what context Keats wrote those famous lines, it may be that it was to urge us to find beauty in truth which is steadfast through the ages rather than seeking truth from beauty which is temporal - just as the contents of the urn are.

As for me, I will continue to try not to engage in falsehoods (even little white lies that I say just to appease others, or worse still to appease myself), lest I continue to live a lie.

“May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead."

-old Irish toast-

THE HUNT

I dreamt last night of a lion riding on the back of an elephant in persuit of a kangaroo & I seemed to be watching all of this from above, like I was a bird of some kind - what on earth does it all mean?

NORMAL

I found the following anonymous quote in none other than a public health epidemiology text:

"A normal individual is a person who has not been sufficiently examined."

How very true, it blows me away at how unique each & every one of us are. And then again how much we share in common - we all want the same basic things, to love & be loved and to have someplace safe we can call home.

TODAY'S TREASURE

Running into an old work colleague & receiving a really big hearty hug - aren't hugs just the best!

AMBER

HAPPY 16th BIRTHDAY !

amber jade

love you to pieces, hugs & kisses xox

WHO WE ARE

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit."

-ARISTOTLE-

I've been pondering over this statement for a few days now - when I first came across it, years ago, it meant little to me but now its effect upon me is somewhat profound. It's all in the details isn't it? Those multiple seemingly meaningless decisions that make up your daily life.....your existence. Personally, I try hard to be a good person, I for one don't believe that we are inherently good but that goodness is something we decide on - that we choose. And if we practice these acts of goodness, of excellence enough they become second nature....they become habit...they become who we are.

TODAY'S TREASURE

Making two batches of cupcakes with swirls of pink, purple & blue icing & noticing that only 3 were left after my husband got his hands on them.

TODAY'S TREASURE

Eating my first lot of cherries for the season....I adore Cherries, when I see Cherries I think "it's Christmas!"

CHAPEL STREET

I live in South Yarra, a fairly affluent area of Melbourne – mind you we live in an apartment a little bigger than a shoe box. On my way to get groceries I have to pass an array of exclusive boutiques like Collette Dinnigan and Sass & Bide, I also have to pass the beggars that line the streets. Most of them are regulars & know that I’m a local – therefore I’m always targeted. Some don’t say a word; they just hang their head & put out their hat to collect loose change. Others will follow you & hound you till you give in to them. There are a couple who busk and occupy the same spot each day, there is one who strums away on a toy guitar oblivious to the pain he is inflicting on those around him. Most of them have an intellectual impairment or are mentally ill. I sometimes stop in wonder at just how little separates me from these characters & it terrifies me. Perhaps that is why I always give in to them, I usually refuse to give them money but take them into MacDonald’s to buy a meal instead, and they’re always appreciative. Sometimes I’ll cross the road or go the back way just to avoid them; sometimes I just can’t bear to see them – the shoppers passing them by, pretending they don’t even see them, like they’re pieces of litter missed by the kerb-sweeper.

TODAY'S TREASURE

My psychiatrist saying to me "You know I'm here for you Sue.....you know that don't you," and sensing that he really means it.

GETTING OLD

Well I made it through my appointment today without getting teary, even when I was informed I have throid disease on top of my bipolar disorder. I have to get a whole heap of tests done tomorrow to find out exactly what is going on with my thyroid & then I will be seen by an endocrinologist. Surprisingly I'm okay about it all - I just want the whole process to be over with already. I've been feeling really good lately, just a bit tired & lethargic but that's probably the thyroid. I'll be started on thyroxine as soon as the tests are done - it's funny, here I am at 34 years of age & I'm on more medication than my mum & dad put together, & they are 66 & 70 years old respectively.

THE CATCHER IN THE RYE

When I think about it the only competition I might ever be in with a chance of winning is the record of how many times you’ve read The Catcher in the Rye. I read it on average 1-2 times a year & I think I was about 12 years old when I first read it. I don’t really know what it is, I just love it. To this day it still makes me laugh out loud and sob with tears. To a certain extent I was a female Holden Caulfield – the getting kicked out of school, the cynicism & sarcasm and let’s not forget the mental health issues. I can relate to Holden’s high regard for all things pure & unadulterated, and I can sympathise with him when he comes to realise that we all must grow up.... that innocence is always lost, and that no matter how hard you try you can't always be "the Catcher in the Rye"

I’m so glad that J.D. Salinger refuses to sell the film rights, Holden hates the movies.

TODAY'S TREASURE

Realising that lately I've been feeling so darn good that I almost forget to take my medication, almost. The real test will be if I can get through my appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow without crying!

BE

Bantu tribesmen, it is said, sneak into the rooms of their children as they sleep and whisper in their ears, "Become what you are."

TODAY'S TREASURE

Making spaghetti & meatballs from a Nigella Lawson cookbook & having my husband eat it & say that he prefers my recipe to hers.

CIRCE

Circe, great apothecary of Aeaea,
What strange alchemy have you cast?
Your enemies, they prowl about your throne
Awaiting the day you restore them back to life,

Circe, great sorceress of the sea
Who can resist your many charms?
Ten years of battle saw the fall of Troy
How long must it be till I reach my home?

Circe, this past year you have held me captive
As your lover, as your slave
Be true to your word – your promise
And guide me home to Ithaca once again

TODAY'S TREASURE

Watching my husband imitate a Masai warrior when he got out of the shower this morning.....starkers!

TODAY'S TREASURE

Waking to the sound of rolling thunder and the welcome rain pummeling at my window.

GROWING UP

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, especially about something my mother said to me a couple of months ago, she said: "you know, I think your biggest problem is that you don't want to grow up & that you're terrified of getting old". She can be a wise woman my mother, when she wants to be. It makes me think of that line from "beautiful boy" by John Lennon:

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans".

Why do I find it so hard to live in the present...in the NOW? I find I've wasted so much precious time waiting for my life to start, it's like my mind is stuck back at the starting line waiting for the gun to go off whilst my body's running aimlessesly all over the track - like a chook with it's head cut off.

I remember reading a magazine article once about Angelina Jolie, I'd never much liked her as an actress but something she said in this interview has stayed with me. She was talking about her numerous tattoos & how she had had a number of them removed or altered. One that she'd had removed was of a window on her lower back - it's significance was that she used to spend a lot of time looking out of windows & longing to be outside, she'd had it removed, the reason being that she now lived her life "outside" all the time - this touched me & still has a profound effect upon me. It's time to stop sitting & watching, waiting for the "perfect picture" to come into view...it's time to remove the glass that stands between me & the here & now...it's time to stop looking through glass windows.

You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment.

-Thoreau-

TODAY'S TREASURE

My Camelia has 12 buds on it that are just about to open - wonderful news considering I nearly killed the plant 3 weeks ago!

SWEATING LIKE A PIG

Is it possible to drown in your own sweat? I'm being serious here, if you plugged up a bathtub & sat me in it I think I could fill it by the end of the day. I was warned that the higher dose of Effexor could make me sweat more but I wasn't expecting this - I'm a diaphoretic disaster! It was manageable until the temperature hit above 25 degrees Celsius & now I'm perspiring profusely. Otherwise I'm feeling pretty good at the moment, I suppose I could go for that "I just got out of the shower" look....just don't come too close or smell under my armpits though!

THE GROUPIE

The funniest thing happened today, I was in Borders bookstore at the Jam Factory & after I completed my purchase I walked outside only to inadvertently form part of an army of sweaty teenagers, all screaming & pushing & shoving. I had absolutely no idea what was happening, I just wanted to get home. I asked a sane looking person what was going on & apparently I had become part of the fanfare of "High school musical 3" & the cast were there for the premiere. I felt so embarrassed, it took me about ten minutes to negotiate my way out of there.

TODAY'S TREASURE

Getting shat on by a crow on my way back from the grocery store. It could have been worse; it could have happened on my way to the shops. Bloody bird!

JANMAREE & SUZANNE

THE BROWN BOOK: Tales from two women caught between two worlds

I am so excited by the idea of a joint post with my friend of 15+ years Janmaree, it's going to be a blog just for women (cause lets face it men would probably find the content terribly boring). We hope to make it a celebration of femininity, full of tales & musing about being in this world but belonging to another entirely. When we were much younger we used to sit & talk for hours about secret loves, our dreams & what inspired us. I hope that through this blog we can recapture some of those moments....they were truly magical!

JOIN US AT: http://janmareeandsuzanne.blogspot.com/

TODAY'S TREASURE

After notifying a certain superannuation company about our change of address a total of 3 times, finally a letter arrives addressed correctly!

WAR

On the subject of War - shame on that silly excuse for a news program "A Current Affair" for airing such inflammatory comments about the Bali Bombers last night. To the man who lost his son in the 2002 bombings, I am deeply sorry for your loss but violence begets violence & hatred begets hatred. No doubt we will see more about this segment on the next installment of Media Watch, it was stupid & irresponsible.

Please do not interpret this as me sympathising in anyway with the Bali Bombers.

THE RED POPPY

The red poppy - the symbol of remembrance day, a flower that sprung from the bloody trenches of war. The artillery shells & shrapnel agitated the earth just enough to expose the poppy seeds to the warmth & light needed for them to germinate & flourish. Fields of them bloomed across Europe & in the spring of 1915 a valley of them greeted the ANZAC's as they landed on the shores of Gallopoli.

REMEMBRANCE DAY

ANTHEM FOR A DOOMED YOUTH

What passing-bells for these who die as cattle?

Only the monstrous anger of the guns.

Only the stuttering rifles' rapid rattle

Can patter out their hasty orisons.

No mockeries for them; no prayers nor bells,

Nor any voice of mourning save the choirs, -

-The shrill, demented choirs of wailing shells;

And bugles calling for them from sad shires.
What candles may be held to speed them all?

Not in the hands of boys, but in their eyes

Shall shine the holy glimmers of goodbyes.

The pallor of girls' brows shall be their pall;

Their flowers the tenderness of patient minds,

And each slow dusk a drawing-down of blinds.

-WILFRED OWEN

GRAEME BASE

I have only just discovered the work of Graeme Base, an artist who resides here in Melbourne. I had heard of his book Animalia but had never really looked at his artwork & it's amazing. He is holding an exhibition of his work in a couple of weeks at the MARS gallery in Port Melbourne & I think I'll drag my niece along to check it out.

TODAY'S TREASURE

Buying new white bath sheets from Sheridan; seeing them come up all nice & soft & fluffy in the wash.....the only perfect towel is a white towel.

SUNDAY'S TREASURE

At the Queen Victoria markets with Jan, she was just about to purchase some women's underwear that was 3 pairs for $10 - BARGAIN! She had picked out the colours she wanted & was making her way over to the seller to make the purchase when at the last minute she realised that emblazoned accross the back of the briefs (in glitter) was "KISS ME" & "SPANK ME".....what a crack up - Jan is an extremely reserved person.

SOUTHBANK

Well yesterday was more my style of shopping, but hence I accordingly spent more money! We went to the movies to see Nights in Roadanthe last night, it was a touch too melodramatic for my liking. I didn't take my evening medication at the time I usually do due to not wanting to get drowsy - big mistake! I don't really know if it was related to the delay in the medication or what, but I almost collapsed at the train station & made it home on automatic pilot. I think I may have been overdoing things just a tad over the last couple of days.

Buy of the day: a copy of "Nigella Bites" for half price, been eyeing that book off for ages but didn't want to spend $70 on it.

LADIES

I'm off to the Queen Victoria Markets & the Arts Centre Sunday Market today, I'm up & ready to go but the others are not responding to my text messages. It's either they're still asleep or they lost out big time at the pokies last night.

Talking of me being unfeminine the other day, I always feel really girly when I'm out with Jan & Sandy - they live in track suit pants & trainers & never wear a trace of make up. Jan has to go to her neice's wedding soon so I'm having a bit of fun helping her decide what to wear.

I love the Arts Centre Sunday market - if you ever find yourself in Melbourne check them out - much better than the Queen Vic markets (they're really only good for fuit & veg):

http://www.thatsmelbourne.com.au/Whatson/Festivals/FashionandDesign/Pages/a9c39e7e-ce6b-412a-a1a2-77b5307131b5.aspx

TODAY'S TREASURE

Waiting outside the front of the DFO, sharing my hot chips with a Maltese terrier that was tied to a post - both wishing we were someplace else but enjoying each others company nonetheless.

DFO

Well I survived a day at a DFO - 6 hours! SIX BLOODY HOURS!! Yes they do have some bargains there, but there is also heaps of second rate crap too. I only spent $80 so I was quite happy with that. I went along today so I didn't have to endure tonight (the Casino), I said I was too tired & will catch up with them tomorrow - to be honest I'd just rather be at home in my PJ's drinking hot chocolate.

ECHO & NARCISSUS

Who is this who has startled the deer?
Who has filled the woods with fear.... with fear
A young man, a hunter on the chase
Oh how beautiful, how lovely his face….his face

I will follow till I know what I must say
For with me words get in the way….the way
He sees me & harks “let us two meet”
And folish me all I do is repeat.....repeat

Does he not share my new found love?
He flees and cries “enough”….enough
Ashamed I fall down in the grass
Until my time has passed….has passed

I see him now down by the spring
Gazing into its depths & wondering….wondering
At just how beautiful, how perfect he is
Until the earth below is his….is his

You can hear me call from cave, from hall
To you I am Echo, that is all…..is all
& by the spring daffodils grow tall
In remembrance of Narcissus, my love….my all

ERNIE

Ernie was a man of the sea, an abalone fisherman who craved the open waters, in his late eighties he became subject to the confines of an aged care facility. Diagnosed with end stage Prostate cancer Ernie spent most of his days in bed. On my rounds I had a habit of asking Ernie “so what’s the weather like for fishing today?” to which he would revel in embellishments of raging storms and treacherous waters. Ernie also had a habit of singing Johnny Cash songs – every Sabbath was greeted with the sounds of “Sunday mornin’ comin’ down”.

In the days leading up to his death, as Ernie slipped into unconsciousness, we nurses took over the role of recapturing the spirit of the sea & continued to play all his favourite Johnny Cash songs. I was there when Ernie died; I like to think that in that moment he was out on the sea somewhere, diving for abalone and humming along to one of his favourite tunes.

"May flights of Angels sing thee to thy rest"

-from SHAKESPEARE'S Hamlet-