THE METRO

"In my twenty-seventh year, while riding the metro in Leningrad (St. Petersburg) I was overcome with despair so great that life seemed to stop at once, preempting the future entirely, let alone any meaning. Suddenly, all by itself, a phrase appeared: Without God life makes no sense. Repeating it in astonishment, I rode the phrase up like a moving staircase, got out of the metro & walked into God's light."

- Andrei Bitov (a Russian novelist who grew up under a government which denied the existence of God)

Oh how I can relate. For what purpose are we here for than for something outside of our mere selves? I ponder though at what & whom "God" is as such. Is he a kind and merciful God? if so I struggle to find his clemency at times. Or is he rather a remote being, the very model of a scientist - not wishing to tamper too much with the experiment.

IMPACT

I got a call at 10pm last night from my big grizzly bear of a brother Steve. He was in a bar somewhere in Armidale NSW with some friends, he was pretty drunk, I can always tell when he's drunk cause he can't stop telling me he loves me "I LOVE YOU.....YOU KNOW THAT.....I LOVE YOU! & ANY TIME....ANY TIME AT ALL YOU CAN CALL ME" At the time of the call I laughed but today it hit me pretty hard. Hard in that I have caused my family so much concern & worry. I mean here is my 42 year old brother at a bar with friends on a friday night & it suddenly grips him to phone his Bipolar sister who's recently been unwell again. I should count myself lucky....no fortunate that I have such a family that loves me but this has been a reminder never to take them for granted also.

ANGELS & DEMONS

An interesting conversation held between the Camerlengo Father Patrick McKenna and Robert Langdon:

Do you believe in God sir?

Father I simply believe that religion-

I did not ask if you believe what man says about God, I asked if you believe in God

I'm an academic, my mind tells me I will never understand God.

And your heart?

Tells me I'm not meant to.....Faith is a gift I've yet to receive.

DAY BY DAY

Well I feel like I've just been through the depths of Hell & back. I have now been weaned off Efexor & yes the horror stories about withdrawal are true. I've started on a new NSRI today & all my hopes are pinned on it! (despite the fact that the first dose of it made me projectile vomit all over the kitchen bench). Today has been pretty bad - I've been constantly crying and beating up on myself with continual self loathing, the only comfort being the 3 valium I've taken since lunch time.

The D word came up with my psychiatrist today - "Disability" - I think he is losing faith in me ever returning to work. I'm sorry but that would be it for me, it's unfortunate but work defines so much of who you are. On the topic of work - prior to my current absence I told my boss that I had to go into hospital for 10 days - so he took me off the roster for the 10 days & had me back on the very next day, as if I'd be okay to return to work. I suppose I take for granted that people will understand.

I hope this post makes sense, at the moment I can't seem to be able to do much of anything - I can't read, can't watch movies - I watch Master Chef on TV each night & that's about it, along with my trips every 3 days to the psychiatrist.

Hope everyone else is well......I truly do, I would not wish this dreaded condition on anyone.

PAIN

"To get through each day.....each hour, knowing that this is just a feeling & it too will pass" - advice given by my psychiatrist

ETERNAL

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has set eternity in the hearts of men.

- Ecclesiastes 3:11

Most people fear death, why is it then that it's the concept of eternity.....of everlasting life that makes me tremble. I was in a dark place today, I had visions of hanging myself from the steel beam in the ceiling but as usual my mood got brighter as the day grew darker.

Another day and I'm still here, Oh how I wish I wasn't.